Above: Is this the turkey the thieving teen had down his pants? Customers will never know!

I truly believe that a Meat Down the Pants Olympics is the one thing that could finally raise this nation’s spirits.

Thief Stuffs Turkey Down Pants

A Brooklyn teen was caught on video shoving a 12-pound turkey breast into his baggy sweatpants — and then waddling out of a Bed-Stuy grocery with an irate butcher hot on his trail, sources said yesterday.
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Williams dumped it on the street, and when Marte bent over to pick it up, the teen clocked him in the jaw, the butcher said.
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As for the turkey, it went right back on the shelf.

05/24/10 Burglars broke into the Subway restaurant at 2251 E. University Ave. in Des Moines over the weekend and took several pounds of food, but no money. The burglars took 6 pounds of ham, 4 pounds of turkey, 8 pounds of roast beef, 10 pounds of cold cuts, 12 pounds of cheese, a case of beverages, 96 cookies and four to six loaves of bread, detectives said Monday. The burglars also made some sandwiches for themselves before they left. Officers have no suspects. (Des Moines, IA) 

05/22/10 Stolen items: Two Hamburger Helper packages, six Oodles of Noodles packages, two Vienna Sausages packages. Details: The store clerk, Tammy Peace, notified police after a man stole food items from the store, according to a Shelby Police report. The clerk told officers that the suspect was concealing items. Peace asked the suspect if he was going to pay for the items and he said no and left, according to the report. (Shelby, NC)

02/05/10 Sheriff’s deputies are asking people to be wary of a salesman offering a free freezer for buying a certain amount of frozen meat.

A Umatilla man told a sheriff’s deputy Wednesday that around 5 p.m. Saturday, a man came to his home selling frozen meat. The homeowner purchased $613 worth of meat and the salesman told him a free freezer would be delivered the next day.

The man put the meat he bought into a freezer he already had.

The man did not hear from the salesman the following day and called the company, identified as Direct USA, but never reached anyone.

On Tuesday, the salesman called and told the man he would come by Wednesday to drop off the free freezer.

At approximately 10 a.m. Wednesday, the salesman arrived and told the man that in order to get the free freezer, he had to purchase another $500 worth of meat.

The man declined.

The man said while they were talking, the salesman borrowed his dolly to unload the free freezer anyway. The salesman then filled it with roughly $300 worth of the meat the man had purchased on Saturday.

The salesman then put the free freezer and meat back into his truck and left; he also took the man’s dolly. (Umatilla, FL)

01/30/10 A Safeway employee in Louisville was arrested on Jan. 31 on charges of indecent exposure.

According to a Louisville Police Department report, the incident occurred on Jan. 30 in the deli department of the Safeway at 707 S. Broadway Rd.

A woman reported that she was talking to a store employee standing behind a glass cooler case used for displaying meat and other foods, when she said she noticed that the employee had his penis outside of his pants and was masturbating as he spoke with her.

When the employee noticed the woman’s “shocked face,” he allegedly stopped, the report says, but when the woman turned away and then looked back, he had resumed masturbating. The police report states that the woman reported the incident to store managers and to the Louisville Police Department.(Louisville, CO)

01/30/10 6:15 p.m. — A woman from the 15000 block of Dream Sky Way reported someone came into her residence through the unlocked garage door and wrote “Turkey” with their finger on the inside of a window. (Nevada City, CA)

Lambertville seems like it’s going to be in a heap of trouble if ever faced with a true emergency.

Caption: Lambertville police shot and killed this turkey.

01/26/10 A package of baby carrots, plum jam, bell pepper, rib eye steaks, a package of turkey and two packages of bacon were taken from a business in the 400 block of South Montgomery Avenue. (Sheffield, AL)

01/26/10 Burglar hits American Legion - A burglar used a crowbar to break into a storeroom and snatch $40 worth of sausage, bacon and beef patties at the American Legion on Center Street early Sunday morning, Watsonville police said.

The Legion’s security company reported the burglar alarm at 6:45 a.m.

Police searched the neighborhood, but were unable to locate a suspect.

A door and window screen were damaged. (Watsonville, CA)

01/15/10 A couple of unusual - likely unrelated - theft reports have been taken by MPD in the past couple of weeks. One involves beer, the other pizza. On January 11th an employee of the Tilted Kilt Pub & Eatery, 420 Gammon Pl., reported the theft of 10 empty beer kegs. They had been stored outside in a gated area. Surveillance images show two men in a white, 2000 to 2005 Dodge Ram loading the spent barrels into the pickup truck and driving off.

The second theft was reported on January 15th, when a Rockford IL man discovered his Orv’s Pizza van had been broken into and looted of 12 cases - $600 dollars worth - of frozen pies. The van had been parked behind a Cottage Grove Road business.

The pizzas included: four cases of Gino’s deep dish, six cases of Gino’s thin crust, and two cases of Lombardi’s sausage pizza. (Madison, WI)

01/13/10 A resident reported two women on Library Lane were run off the road by a loose chicken. An officer checked the area, but the chicken was gone on arrival. (St. Helena, CA)

12/29/09 A man tried to shoplift $3 worth of sausage from the Kroger at 1555 Wayne Ave. on Monday, Dec. 28, at about 2 a.m., according to Dayton police.

The 50-year-old man walked into the store and headed to the meat case, according to a manager. He grabbed one package of sausages and put them into his right front jeans pocket.

He walked past the register and was prepared to leave when the manager apprehended him and took him to a security area to await police.

Police took him out of the store, but not before the “incredibly intoxicated” man spit on several store items.

He was booked into the Montgomery County Jail. The manager was asked to file a shoplifting complaint. (Dayton, OH)

12/26/09 John William Blanton, 31, of 315 Carlow St., was arrested Thursday and charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature stemming from a physical altercation with his brother.

A sheriff’s deputy responded to a fight in progress at the home of the victim and his mother around 4 p.m. Thursday, and found the victim on the front porch steps of his residence with his face covered with blood.

The victim told authorities that Blanton came to his trailer with a ham, told their mother to cook it and then threw it across the room.

When the victim objected to the way Blanton was speaking to the mother, an incident report states, an argument and shoving match ensued.

The victim stated he turned toward the phone and threatened to call 911, and when he turned back around, Blanton hit him in the face, then got him in a choke hold which caused the victim to nearly black out. (Spartanburg, SC)

12/14/09 PETTY THEFT, BIDDULPH ROAD: A 37-year-old Cleveland man was caught at Giant Eagle trying to shoplift various seafood items Dec. 14 by stuffing them into his pants. The total value of the food items was $148.38. (Cleveland, OH)

12/03/09 BURGLARY, ROBINWOOD AVENUE: At 9:07 p.m. Saturday, a resident reported that his apartment was broken into between 2 and 4 p.m. Nov. 26. His wallet, laptop, a pound of turkey, cheese and some bread were taken. (Lakewood, OH)

Were the guns recovered? Eh, who cares. A newspaper with its priorities screwed on straight makes sure its readers know the frozen turkey was found safe and sound.

11/25/09 Jackson police are working to crack a case of fowl play. They’re searching for a man who broke into an apartment about 11 p.m. Tuesday and stole a family’s holiday turkey. Police Lt. Christopher Simpson told the Jackson Citizen Patriot the suspect ran into the kitchen and stole the turkey out of the freezer.

He said the 6-foot, 300-pound bald man “fled with turkey in hand.”

Police said a woman and two children were home at the time, and no one was injured.

The woman told authorities she knew the man. (Jackson, MI)

11/24/09 Harris County Sheriff’s Office (HCSO) deputies arrested a man suspected of stealing meat from Kroger’s on Woodforest, Nov. 20.

The store’s manager reported seeing a package of wieners sticking out of the back pocket of a customer on the meat aisle.

The customer allegedly also had a large bulge protruding from the front of his waistband.

The manager, along with two employees, waited for the suspected shoplifter to leave the store before approaching him.

The suspect, later identified as 55-year-old Joe Thurman, of Missouri City, reportedly pushed two of the employees to the ground in an attempt to run away.

The third employee ran after him. Thurman allegedly punched the employee in the chest. He was captured and detained until HCSO Deputy Luce arrived. Luce arrested and charged Thurman with robbery. Thurman is held in the Harris County Jail on a $20,000 bond.

Approximately $75 worth of meat — sausages, T-bone and ribeye steak — was confiscated from Thurman and returned to the store. (Houston, TX)

11/18/09 Battery: Two brothers were charged with disorderly conduct and battery after a fight over a fast-food order. It began when one of the defendants returned from a dinner run without sauce for the chicken nuggets. (Grand Chute, WI)

11/17/09 Patricia L. Smith, 39, of 260 S. Grand Ave., Bradley, was arrested at about 9:25 a.m. Friday at Mario’s Market, 1557 W. Court St., Kankakee, and charged with felony retail theft, Kankakee police reports said. She paid for chips and hamburger buns, but allegedly walked out of the store without paying for three packages of ground beef in her purse, police reports said. Smith’s charges were elevated to felony retail theft because she had a prior larceny conviction. (Kankakee, IL)

10/25/09 On Oct. 25, a Trinity County game warden received a call that a local man had killed a deer off a county road. When the warden arrived, he found two men with one skinned buck deer head arguing over the proper way to measure the spread, plus a cooler full of meat. One man said that he was dropped off by his friend in the national forest to squirrel-hunt but could not pass up the large buck. When asked why he had his friend drop him off to hunt, he stated, “So the game warden would not catch me.” (Trinity County, TX)

I’d wager good money that this segment producer spent all Thanksgiving afternoon bragging about the line “trotting along in his carnivorous crime wave.”  And I’d double down that a family member spent that same afternoon wanting to stab him or her in the neck with a plastic fork.

For anyone with “Law and Order” who may be following, this Meat Crime script pretty much writes itself.

Also, this circular clearly states the 49 cent deal on the turkey is one per customer.  Ms. Kietzer admits to have purchased four, so there’s yet another angle.