You never know when a hankering for pickled pig’s feet might strike. This gentleman understands the forward-thinking practice of “snack insurance.”

Pickled Pig’s Foot, Nibbled Sausage Found in Man’s Undies

A pickled pig’s foot and a partially eaten sausage have a number of things in common.

Both are meat, both are edible and both apparently were in a 50-year-old man’s underwear.

[Jacques] Roy Divido on Nov. 13 had the meats in his skivvies at the Indian River County jail where he’d been taken on a retail theft charge, according to a recently released arrest affidavit.
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A clerk said Divido ate part of a pickled sausage and “stuffed” the rest in his pants. The pickled wiener was valued at $1.

Said trouser bacon was valued at $11.49 a pack, so it’s obvious this jolly lass does not mess around with just any old Oscar Mayer.

Boosted Bacon Gets No Further Than Meat Thief’s Pants

A 53-year-old woman apparently didn’t bring home the bacon after a store manager spotted her jamming two packages of the tasty pork product in her pants.

Accused bacon bandit Vivian Nickerson was arrested on a retail theft charge after the Sept. 12 heist at the Save-A-Lot in the 600 block of Delaware Avenue in Fort Pierce, according to a recently released Fort Pierce police report.

Also arrested was accused meat thief Delores Brown, 63, who concealed three roasts and a steak.

(Thanks to Scripps Treasure Coast reporter Will Greenlee, for his ongoing coverage of Florida’s most important Meat Crimes!)

This just may be the most important update in the history of news media.

Police Update Meats Found in Accused Shoplifter’s Pants

Nathan Hardy, 35, is accused of shoplifting. Store employees said he tried to walk out of the grocery store without paying for items that he had stuffed into his pockets. Those items included two lobster tails in his front pockets, two bags of jumbo shrimp, and a pork loin, which was stuffed into his waist band.

Police originally reported that the lobsters were whole, live lobsters.

Well, then, maybe this store should consider not having a more loosey-goosey “no shirt, no shoes” policy than the ER .

Alleged Meat Thief Just “Trying to Cool a Small Burn on His Leg”

A store employee told authorities that he witnessed Simonovich grabbing several packs of meat and stuffing them down his sweatpants. The worker confronted the suspect, who initially denied taking anything. During his denial, however, two of the packages fell from his pants leg.
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After being read his rights, Simonovich told authorities that he was not attempting to steal the meat, explaining he was simply trying to cool a small burn on his leg.

Well, this is certainly a new twist on the old “meat down the trousers” bit. And it’s also an important lesson as to why you should probably not take a CPR class at a crack house.

Heroin Dealer Who Put Frozen Meat in Pants of Victim Sentence to Life

An East St. Louis drug dealer accused of placing frozen meat in the pants of an overdose victim instead of calling for an ambulance was sentenced to life in prison yesterday.
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Witnesses testified that Doyle had refused to allow anyone at his residence to call 9-1-1 when Ward collapsed. Instead, Doyle attempted (unsuccessfully) to revive Ward by placing frozen meat in Ward’s pants. Doyle then insisted for several hours that Ward “just needed to sleep it off.”

Once a couple tubes of ground beef have been down your pants for awhile, they can probably use all the help they can get.

Police Track Suspected Hamburger Helper Thief

According to a police report, the assistant manager told police she witnessed the man pay for the meat but not the box which was later determined to be Hamburger Helper. The woman said she followed the man outside and saw him pull two 1-lb. tubes of ground beef from his pants and go inside an apartment complex across the street.

The officer said he questioned a man matching the clerk’s description and discovered he was having dinner with his neighbors. The officer noted in his report that the neighbors were cooking Hamburger Helper.

We remember a time when a man could buy himself a quality pair of American made shorts that could take the load of a whole damn bird!

Man Discovers His Shorts Have a Chicken Limit of Less Than Four Pounds

A Louisville man is facing criminal charges after, police said, he attempted to smuggle poultry out of a grocery store by concealing it in his shorts.

According to arrest records, Steven P. Malone was seen stuffing 4 pounds of chicken down the front of his shorts around 4 p.m. Sunday at a Valu Market on Mitscher Avenue. Police said he was walking down the aisle with his shorts falling down past his knees.

We’ll just leave this here.

A Charleston man decided to have his fried chicken dinner and a beer inside a grocery store restroom Feb. 10, according to a police report.

North Charleston police were dispatched to the store on Dorchester Road because the 31-year-old possibly had stolen the chicken, according to a report.

The manager of the store told police that the man had walked into the store restroom about 4:45 p.m. with the chicken and beer and started consuming them inside. He then walked back out into the parking lot, still eating the fried chicken, the report says.

Officers met with the man in the parking lot, but he seemed to be having a hard time keeping his balance as he was stumbling, the report says.
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Officers then frisked the man for weapons but only found another piece of chicken, which was still warm, in his back right pocket.

While sticking with the classic “meat down the pants” maneuver, Walter made this Meat Crime his own by adding a few daring accessories, including cans of whipped cream and a five year old kid in his shopping cart.

Man Arrested with Ground Beef Down his Pants

Police say they arrested an Avon Park man Feb. 3 for shoplifting after he was found with two packages of ground beef stuffed into his pants.

And that wasn’t all. Police say the man also removed a container of chili powder and cumin, two containers of whipped cream and a bag of ground coffee.

Mr. Peyton does not appear to be a Meat Criminal filled with remorse. In fact, we’d like to imagine that, just after this photo was taken, Mr. Peyton broke into song about how he is only sad that his pants no longer contain meat.

Man Arrested for Stealing Meat; Stuffing it in Pants

According to the police report, Wayne D. Peyton was seen stuffing store merchandise down his pants.

The report says when Peyton, 32, was confronted by store clerks and asked to take out what was in his pant[s], Peyton complied.

Store clerks told police they recovered $66 worth of red meat from his pant[s].

According to the police report, Peyton told police, “I gave the meat back, do I still have to go to jail. That was not alot of stuff.”