If that meat went back in the cooler, some lucky shopper will be serving excitement burgers tonight!

Hurling Hamburger At Store Employees Makes For Unsuccessful Getaway

Hervalvoypoy Frencher, 29, was seen leaving a Bashas’ with several bags of unpurchased groceries around 5 p.m. near Brown Road and Mesa Drive, police said.

After store employees asked her to return the groceries, Frencher reportedly punched an employee in the face and threw two five-pound hamburger packages at them, according to police.
…
The hamburger packages were recovered and returned to the store, police said.

Photo: Fox 10 Phoenix

This most shocking element of this story is that she actually found a pay phone with which to call in the complaints.

Woman Arrested After Calling 911 About “Nasty” Hardee’s Burger

An East Tennessee woman was taken into police custody because she called 911 dispatchers about a hamburger she didn’t enjoy.
…
Officers said in the report that Nichols called 911 twice from a pay phone about concerns over what she called “nasty food” from a Hardee’s in Rockwood. According to the police report, Nichols said the restaurant wouldn’t give her the money back that she paid for a meal.

I wish to subscribe to this gentleman’s conflict resolution newsletter.

Told He Can’t Take Hamburger Home, Man Returns, Spray Paints “Jesus Cocaine” Everywhere

Lufkin Police have arrested a man for allegedly spray painting  “Jesus Cocaine” on walls at a Lufkin business because he was upset about not getting a take-out hamburger.
…

Several windows appeared to have been shot out. Crosses and nondescript text accompanied the spray paint on the walls, which said “Jesus Cocaine,” according to the report.

A detective spoke with the owner of the [Dealers Auto Auction], who said that hamburgers were being served that day. The owner said he had a verbal altercation with Saxton, telling the man that he could not take a hamburger home, because there was nothing to contain it.

Considering Mr. Shover’s obvious deficiencies in the chomper department, stew meat seems like a pretty challenging choice.

And for all of you budding Meat Crimes historians out there, yes, this has happened before…

Man Arrested for Snacking on Raw Meat at Walmart

Borough police said 53-year-old Scott Shover opened packages of hamburger and stew beef and then ate some of the meat Monday afternoon before putting the packages back on the shelf for sale.
…
Police said the meat was valued at about $25, but Shover was sent to Cumberland County Prison on a felony theft charge because its was his fifth shoplifting offense.

Sheesh. The guy could have maybe tried a bite before flying off the handle. Who’s to say it wasn’t a modern day version of magic beans?

Man Shoots at Drug Dealer for Giving Him Hamburger Instead of Pot

A man robbed a drug dealer at gunpoint then shot at him when he discovered the bag he thought had marijuana in it contained a hamburger instead, police said.
…
Morrison told police that when he looked in the bag and saw only the burger, he fired shots at the dealer’s Volvo, according to his affidavit. Police said the car had a couple of bullet holes and a shattered right rear window.

This quote from Ms. Howard is definitely in the running for the official lyrics of Meat Crimes’ theme song.

Greedy Meat Thief Hits Lady’s Freezer Once Too Often

After someone stole food and cigarettes from [Diana] Howard’s garage freezer, she decided to buy a surveillance camera. Last Saturday, the camera caught a man stealing frozen goods from the freezer.

“Took all my hamburger. Took all my Hot Pockets. Took all my bacon and all my breakfast sausages,” said Howard.

Meat Crime Tip: If your roommate pinches your meat, consider charging her a little extra on the cable bill before resorting to strangulation.

Woman Strangled Roommate Over Hamburger

A Minneapolis woman has been charged with allegedly strangling her roommate over a hamburger.

…

The victim said she was cooking a hamburger when Sanders accused her of stealing the hamburger. Sanders allegedly grabbed the victim by the front of the neck with both hands, pushed her against a wall and squeezed until the victim couldn’t breathe.

“Nick Lusk thought the night cleaning crew had done a bad job.

Food was all over the floor. Half-eaten sandwiches and bottles of alcohol were strewn throughout Kritter’z, a Rantoul tavern.

Then he walked behind the bar.

There lay a man, a big man, flat on his stomach.”

Related: If only perp Diego F. Ballesteros had taken tips from this guy who managed to drunkenly break into a bar and cook chicken proper.

Above: Nick Lusk, an employee of the tragically named bar Kritter’z, stands next to where he found the great big drunk guy.

This clipping is bound to be the first page of Baby’s Scrapbook.

04/28/10 A 33-year-old man was arrested for battery in the 11200 block of 61st Street North. He demanded that his mother buy him a pack of cigarettes. He became upset when she bought him a hamburger instead and threw it at her, hitting her in her face. (Fenton, MI)

04/25/10 Pork a path to prison. A Pueblo man arrested for breaking into a local restaurant and bar and stealing alcohol and pork will serve 10 years in prison. (Pueblo, CO)

04/08/10 A resident of the sorority house reported at 12:30 p.m. that between 9:15 a.m. and 12:15 p.m., someone entered her unlocked room on the second floor without her consent when she was out of the room and removed her Sony VAIO desktop computer and power cord from her desk. In their place, the student found a package of ham and crackers she said does not belong to her. (Evanston, IL)