If you invite the nearby shack-dwelling lady to use your facilities, don’t be surprised when she pilfers your ham, pork chops and bacon.

Man Reports Woman Used His Bathroom Then Stole Meats From His Refrigerator

A Winder man reported he let a woman enter his residence to use the bathroom and she repaid the favor by helping herself to meats from his refrigerator.
…
[T]he complainant said he had let the woman in to use his bathroom and then heard her open his refrigerator before leaving. When the man checked, he noticed ham, pork chops and bacon missing.
…
The resident told police he knows the woman from the neighborhood as she was living in a shack behind a house nearby.

The Wild West of our dreams comes alive!

“Outlaw” Throws Stolen Meat, Cheese At Officers

James Outlaw ran into Chelsea Food and Fuel and grabbed the deli meat and cheese, but was spotted by the clerk who nearly thwarted the theft by remotely locking the business’ door…

However, officers said the 47-year-old didn’t let the door’s lock stop him. They said Outlaw rammed the door repeatedly until it eventually sprang open.

Police say they later spotted him walking down the street, but before they could arrest him, Outlaw began hurling the stolen food at them.

04/25/11 On April 25, a customer at a food retailer reported to police at 3 p.m. that she attempted to claim her free ham when she was told someone using her identity already claimed it. A search on her preferred customer account revealed it was purchased at another location using her identity. (Nutley, NJ)

04/23/11 Meat Bone Used as Weapon… A Coventry police officer was dispatched to a local sandwich shop recently to investigate a report of vandalism to a motor vehicle. After observing the shattered rear window of the vehicle in question, the officer spoke with the victim, an employee at the sandwich shop… Among the shattered glass in the back seat was a large butcher-style bone with meat pieces attached. According to the officer, the bone was about six inches long and four inches wide and was identified as the foreign object that was used to shatter the window. (Barrington, RI)

This guy is some remarkable new breed of multi-tasking Super Meat Criminal.

Also, it should be noted that, yes, we now maintain tags for both “urinating on store” and “urinating in store.”

Drunk Guy Arrested for Urinating on $500 of Chicken, Eating Large Package of Ham

North Little Rock Police responded to the Kroger on Pershing Blvd about complaints that there was a drunk man in the store urinating on chicken.

According to the police report, Kroger management says Jerry Patterson was drunk, had urinated on $500 worth of chicken, and ate a large package of ham.

Police say Patterson was verbally abusive and appeared drunk. He was arrested at the scene.

01/04/11 Stringfield Road: A three-ton air conditioner was among items taken during a burglary to a residence between 6 p.m. Sunday and 5:51 a.m. Monday. Also taken were an unknown quantity of meats, pork chops and fish. (Huntsville, AL)

12/23/10 Theft at the 600 block of Hazelwood Road on 12/23 at 6:39 a.m.—Unlocked garage was entered—a ham and a pound cake were stolen from the freezer. (Haverford, PA)

12/06/10 An independent salesman who distributes meat for Chef’s Choice went to a sales call at Portland Court apartments on Nov. 1. The salesman brought three cases of meat with a total value of $600. A woman in one apartment tried to call in an order to verify her food-stamp account but could not get phone service inside. The salesman went outside, made the phone call and determined that the woman’s account had insufficient funds. He tried to go back inside, but the woman would not let him in. (Irondequoit, NY)

12/11/10 A Springfield man has apparently learned that it’s not a great idea to throw a half-eaten cheeseburger into someone’s face — especially if that someone is a police officer who is pursuing you. 

Police told the (Springfield) State Journal-Register that 35-year-old Lamont Norwood is now facing drug dealing and other charges. They also said Norwood also was stunned with a Taser for allegedly running from and fighting with police. 

Police said an officer pulled over a car Norwood was driving early Thursday morning and found a bottle of alcohol and a digital scale in the back. When the officer asked what the scale was for, Norwood reportedly ran and threw a cheeseburger he had been eating into the officer’s face. (Springfield, IL)

12/08/10 A husband attacked his wife with a frozen ham on Thanksgiving Day, police sources said.

Thomas McClean, 28, was arguing with his wife at their Hollis home on Thanksgiving and when things heated up, McClean slugged her with the ham and punched her, the sources said.

McClean then allegedly struck a police officer while he was being arrested and slugged a second cop. McClean was charged with assault, obstructing governmental administration, resisting arrest, multiple counts of assault on a police officer and attempted assault. (Hollis, NY)

11/05/10 A 59-year-old man was arrested Nov. 5 and charged with theft after being found with 17 items from the Dollar Tree, according to his notice to appear in court from the Okalooa County Sheriff’s Office.

Among the stolen items were six Tilapia filets, two packages of ham, turkey bacon, one box of Bakery Bites, a three-prong outlet, a two-way splitter and a telephone jack. (Mary Esther, FL)

11/24/10 A man looking forward to a hot date took 14 tubes of toothpaste, 10 sticks of deodorant, a 3-piece chicken dinner and eight packs of condoms from the Sandy Springs Publix on Hammond Drive, police said. Jail toothpaste is free, police said. (Atlanta, GA)

11/11/10 State police said someone stole 34 pounds of ham, 20 pounds of fish, a weed-eater and a leaf-blower from the garage of an East Hopewell Township home. Police said the theft happened between Sept. 29 and Oct. 6 at a home in the 14100 block of Hyson School Road. David Joines, 71, owned the garage, police said. (East Hopewell Township, PA)

11/09/10 Occurred at Wal-Mart, taken was a pacifier, two napkins, two harness buddies, two party horns, two party plates, two birthday candles, two light sticks, five greeting cards, one canister of popcorn chicken, and two guest of honor ribbons, valued at $68.00. (Ft. Payne, AL)

10/05/10 At 1:00 p.m., someone stole some slices of cured ham from a Food Lion on the 1600 block of Cross Link Road. (Raleigh, NC)

11/9/10 A man who tried to leave Walmart without paying for his sandwich or Halloween costume was arrested.

The 27-year-old man was spotted by employees trying to walk out of the store with a turkey and provolone cheese sandwich, a doctor costume and a “Nightmare on Elm Street” DVD, according to the Notice to Appear. (Destin, FL)

11/9/10 A woman was arrested at Kroger on Ga. Highway 20 by NCSO deputies for attempting to shoplift the following items with a total worth of nearly $50: crackers, ham, bacon, peanuts, beans, chicken, raisins, cashews, tuna and Kool-Aid. (Covington, GA)

11/07/10 Pulaski Pike - A jar of sweet pickles, tilapia, a pack of beef franks, thick bologna, one banana pudding roll and some popcorn shrimp were shoplifted from the Save Alot between 12:30 and 12:49 a.m. Saturday. (Huntsville, AL)

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Meat Crimes to bring you:

The Presidential Ham

More on the artist here.