So much for the theory that sausage tames the savage drunk. He probably should have opted for bacon.

A 44-year-old Hurlock, Md.  woman was arrested Tuesday on charges of assault after she allegedly hit and scratched her husband after he was found cooking sausage early in the morning.
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Cecil Ricardo Wise, who was present during the incident, said Belinda Sparks hit and scratched Kenneth Sparks. Officers noticed a strong odor of alcohol coming from Kenneth and Belinda Sparks, according to charging documents.

(Photo: Bob B. Brown via Flickr)

Hopefully their child is named Ralph Shute IV, because this is probably as close to a Meat Crimes Royal Family as we’re going to get.

Cheeseburger Brawl Leads to Woman’s Arrest

Police arrested a 23-year-old woman early Tuesday morning after she allegedly assaulted a police officer following a scuffle with her boyfriend over cheeseburgers.
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[Ralph Shute III] said they began throwing food at each other but that the altercation turned physical when [Taryn] Dawsey attacked him and struck him in the face.

Police then interviewed Dawsey, who said that Shute threw a cheeseburger in the toilet and then threw a cheeseburger at her.  She denied hitting Shute.

02/16/11 Farrah Elizabeth Peeler, 33, of 313 Laurens Road, was charged with aggravated criminal domestic violence.

[D]eputies responded to the home to find an argument still in progress. A man told officers that Peeler hit him in the chest with a cup and pulled a gun on him. The man told officers that Peeler pointed the gun in his direction, and told her son to move when he stepped in between them or she would shoot him.

Peeler told deputies that she did point the gun at the man and told him she was going to kill him, but she did not point the gun at her son, the report said. Officers did not find a gun.

Peeler said the argument began when the man threw fish sticks in her hair. (Landrum, SC)

02/14/11 Gahanna police dealt with road rage caused by a flying chicken nugget…

A juvenile driver told police he was leaving the parking lot of a business when he bit into a chicken nugget, didn’t like the taste, and threw it out the driver’s-side window.

The boy said a vehicle made a right turn into the parking lot at the same time, so the nugget hit the side of the car.

The boy told police a “very large” man jumped out of the vehicle and put his fist through the left passenger window of the boy’s car, showering the vehicle with broken glass. (Gahanna, OH)

Some people should really have their meat privileges revoked if they’re going to go around treating it so disrespectfully.

The 47-year-old man told LorainCounty sheriff’s deputies his live-in-girlfriend hit him with a ham sandwich inside their home in the 2600 block of Royalton Road around 7:10 p.m.

Police scanner traffic indicated the man was unable to provide deputies with a full description of the sandwich, such as whether it was toasted or untoasted.

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Deputies located a slice of bread on the floor, but suspect the family dog ate the ham, according to the report.

(Photo: a_soft_world via Flickr)

12/11/10 A Springfield man has apparently learned that it’s not a great idea to throw a half-eaten cheeseburger into someone’s face — especially if that someone is a police officer who is pursuing you. 

Police told the (Springfield) State Journal-Register that 35-year-old Lamont Norwood is now facing drug dealing and other charges. They also said Norwood also was stunned with a Taser for allegedly running from and fighting with police. 

Police said an officer pulled over a car Norwood was driving early Thursday morning and found a bottle of alcohol and a digital scale in the back. When the officer asked what the scale was for, Norwood reportedly ran and threw a cheeseburger he had been eating into the officer’s face. (Springfield, IL)

12/08/10 A husband attacked his wife with a frozen ham on Thanksgiving Day, police sources said.

Thomas McClean, 28, was arguing with his wife at their Hollis home on Thanksgiving and when things heated up, McClean slugged her with the ham and punched her, the sources said.

McClean then allegedly struck a police officer while he was being arrested and slugged a second cop. McClean was charged with assault, obstructing governmental administration, resisting arrest, multiple counts of assault on a police officer and attempted assault. (Hollis, NY)

After carefully debating whether this should be tagged “domestic meat violence” or “work place meat violence,” we just said screw it and went with them both.

Accused Pimp Arrested After Throwing Cheeseburger

According to Phoenix police vice investigators, Greely and the woman stopped by a McDonald’s restaurant, and Greely became angry after discovering the restaurant forgot his milkshake.

Investigators said the two began arguing and Greely threw a cheeseburger at her, then dropped her off at a gas station near Bell Road and 17th Avenue.

Thank goodness his quote in the police affidavit was written phonetically, otherwise we might be under some kind of crazy impression that corn dog assailants possess proper diction.

Mustard-Coated Woman Calls Police On Corn Dog Throwing Boyfriend

Fort Pierce police arrested Tommie Lee Mckeliver, 48, on Saturday after his girlfriend told investigators he “got mad at her and threw a paper plate that contained a mustard covered State Fair corn dog on it.” The corn dog crashed into her chest area, leaving her “coated” in mustard.

Public urination - the downfall of so many a Meat Criminal…

Man Arrested for Throwing Chicken Wings at Girlfriend

David John Garza, 29, is now on the hot seat after Naples police said he threw hot wings at his girlfriend Saturday. Garza might have gotten away with his poultry crime if he hadn’t been caught peeing in public by police.

09/23/10 A man told police that his ex-girlfriend threw frozen meat through one of his windows and broke it at 3:03 p.m. Saturday. (Lakewood, OH)

09/27/10 Bologna Attack: A 47-year-old woman living in the 3800 block of Grassmore Road in Naperville, reported on Sept. 27 that raw eggs and bologna were thrown earlier in the week onto her bedroom window and the hood of her car. She said she believed the attack occurred between 11:30 a.m. Sept. 25 and 7:30 a.m. Sept. 26. (Naperville, IL)

09/30/10 At 7:15 p.m. Saturday, police responded to a report of a man who was acting and walking like a zombie and scaring patrons of the Red Rooster Chicken and Deli. The man was detained and removed from the scene. (Lakewood, OH)

09/13/10 Police responded to a residence in the 500 block of Franklin Street at 8:53 p.m. Saturday where a woman claimed that her ex-boyfriend had thrown a bag of frozen meat through her living room window, breaking it, but had left prior to the officers’ arrival. (Salem, OH)

08/11/10 Around 8 a.m. Aug. 11, an officer responded to a report of arson in the 100 block of Manana Boulevard.

A woman said she found what appeared to be a burning box of fried chicken under a coworker’s car, got some water and put it out. She said as she was putting out the fire she noticed a child she had had problems with in the past watching her.

The officer spoke to the child, who admitted he put newspaper in the box and lit it on fire. (Clovis, NM)

Blotter Bonus: Not quite a Meat Crime, but, you know…

08/30/10 A 911-caller rambling about politics, Kentucky Fried Chicken and men with pink eyes expressed an interest in joining the sheriff’s office (Cave Junction, OR)