The Wild West of our dreams comes alive!

“Outlaw” Throws Stolen Meat, Cheese At Officers

James Outlaw ran into Chelsea Food and Fuel and grabbed the deli meat and cheese, but was spotted by the clerk who nearly thwarted the theft by remotely locking the business’ door…

However, officers said the 47-year-old didn’t let the door’s lock stop him. They said Outlaw rammed the door repeatedly until it eventually sprang open.

Police say they later spotted him walking down the street, but before they could arrest him, Outlaw began hurling the stolen food at them.

Perhaps the most shocking element of this story is that the website “Fox News Latino” exists.

U.S. Customs Confiscates, Artfully Arranges Nearly 400 Pounds of Bologna

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers at the Santa Teresa, New Mexico port of entry seized 385 pounds of the Mexican contraband meat from behind the seat of a pickup that stopped at the port on Friday.

09/23/10 A man told police that his ex-girlfriend threw frozen meat through one of his windows and broke it at 3:03 p.m. Saturday. (Lakewood, OH)

09/27/10 Bologna Attack: A 47-year-old woman living in the 3800 block of Grassmore Road in Naperville, reported on Sept. 27 that raw eggs and bologna were thrown earlier in the week onto her bedroom window and the hood of her car. She said she believed the attack occurred between 11:30 a.m. Sept. 25 and 7:30 a.m. Sept. 26. (Naperville, IL)

09/30/10 At 7:15 p.m. Saturday, police responded to a report of a man who was acting and walking like a zombie and scaring patrons of the Red Rooster Chicken and Deli. The man was detained and removed from the scene. (Lakewood, OH)

09/07/10 A 35-year-old Huntington Beach man was arrested at East Coast Highway and Morning Canyon Road at 12:45 p.m. Saturday and booked on suspicion of residential burglary.

The man is accused of forcing his way through a doggy door of a relative’s home on Serra Drive, although he was not allowed to be at that location, said Sgt. Steve Burdette. The man is accused of stealing three sausage links, one avocado and one string cheese, police said. His bail was set at $50,000, according to an arrest report. (Corona del Mar, CA)

08/04/10 A piece of bologna left on a truck parked on Chad Circle caused paint damage on Aug. 4. (Greece, NY)

08/01/10 10:32 a.m. Sunday, unknown subject egged, then put bologna, mustard and Saran wrap on vehicle in the 5100 block of Seger Avenue. (Sioux City, IA)

07/27/10 Department responded to a report of a car being covered in lunch meat, no vehicle damages, harassment report filed (Lake Heron, MN)

08/07/10 A car in the 2100 block of Downey Road was damaged between June 27 and 28 when eggs and bologna were smashed on it and a vulgar phrase was spray painted on the driver’s side doors. (Homewood, IL)

While the article goes on to debunk the theory of bologna’s corrosive properties, it does help explain the perplexing trend that caused us to create the “lunch meat on a car” tag.

When a 19-year-old Hickory woman returned to her car after working her shift at the Valley Hills Mall, she was greeted by a rude surprise.

Ten pieces of bologna had been left on her Nissan Sentra, Monday night.

Why?

According to the Police report, “Bologna is known to take the paint off a vehicle.”

05/09/10 Dispute: On May 9, a deputy was dispatched to Pioneer Circle, Watkinsville. A dispute occurred between a man and his stepdaughter when he asked her to help move a piece of heavy equipment. She refused because she was reading a book. When he took the book from her, she retaliated by throwing a broom at him. Later in the day, the teenager made three bologna sandwiches, was unhappy with them and threw one. The girl said she was upset because she wanted a boneless chicken meal at KFC. (Watkinsville, GA)

05/05/10 Around 10 a.m. May 5 officers responded to a city building in the 400 block of Seventh Street for a report of a stabbing. A man said he ran to the city building after he got into a fight with his girlfriend over the way he made a ham sandwich. He said she came after him with a frying pan, then stabbed him several times with a pocket knife.

Officers noted the man had wounds to his arm, shoulder, chest and upper back.

Officers located the man’s girlfriend and arrested her.

She said she and her boyfriend got in an argument and he kicked her causing her to fall to the floor. She said she didn’t remember anything after that. (Clovis, NM)

02/27/10 A home near the intersection of Patton Road was burglarized between 7:15 a.m. and 3 p.m. Thursday. Fifteen Lorcet tablets, a Motorola cell phone, a pound of hamburger meat, three pounds of chicken wings, two pounds of bologna, a pack of hot dogs and assorted pieces of jewelry were stolen. (Huntsville, AL)

02/26/10 Stolen - A DVD player, propane lantern, and meat and canned goods from a home in the 1500 block of Bowie Drive on Saturday. Items valued $105. (Victoria, TX)

02/24/10 A man, who police say stole many steaks from a Center grocery store, sought refuge at the wrong place Tuesday morning before his arrest.

According to Center Police Det. Joey Haley, David Lewis, 30, of Timpson engaged in a foot chase with police after it was reported he and another man stole $169 worth of steaks from Brookshire Brothers around 8:30 a.m. Unfortunately for him, he ran right to the Shelby County Sheriff’s Office, where he was arrested.

Haley said upon arrest, a couple steaks fell out of his pants. (Center, TX)