Sheesh. If you’re going to go through that much trouble for a free burger, at least pretend to be a bigwig at Culver’s.

Man Faces Charges After Cooking Own Meal At Denny’s

A man claiming to have been sent by the Denny’s corporate offices faces charges after cooking his own cheeseburger and fries at the northeast Madison restaurant Tuesday afternoon, according to the Madison Police Department.

He told workers that he was the new general manager and that he had worked for the restaurant chain for 30 years and was starting his new job right away.
…
When the manager started to call her supervisors to prove that Summers made a mistake, Summers started to cook himself a meal, police said. They said he had also grabbed a soft drink and was in the process of eating dinner when the manager told him the jig was up.

It is a travesty this story is not accompanied by mug shots. A travesty!

A 47-year-old Milwaukee man walked into Metcalfe’s Market, 6700 W. State St., combing his long hair at 8 p.m. Oct. 23. He asked if the clerk had a problem with his actions and told her to “lighten up.” Then he grabbed her and gave her a hug and kiss before heading to the liquor department.
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The passenger, the man with the long hair, was seen in the minivan filling a bag with 11 packs of meat that had been taken from three grocery stores. He was arrested for retail theft and felony bail-jumping, because he was out on bond from Wood County for a felony strangulation case. He said he couldn’t possibly have taken the alcohol earlier in the week because he was home smoking crack and was so high he couldn’t leave the house.

04/16/10 A race car was found with three headlights broken, transmission cooler damaged, packages of meat thrown inside, chips in the paint and a missing exhaust. Damage was estimated at $700. (Abilene, TX)

04/15/10 A woman was arrested at 3:04 a.m. Wednesday after swiping a shrimp cocktail ring from Kroger. (Findlay, OH)

04/14/10 Accused burglar Eric Christianson wasn’t after money.

The 23-year-old La Crosse man confessed to stealing chocolate peanuts, mango and mandarin soda, burritos, chicken tenders, a gallon of ranch dressing, one bag of shredded cheese, a cauliflower, broccoli and salad mix from Jolivette Family Farms in West Salem on March 27, according to the criminal complaint filed Tuesday in La Crosse County Circuit Court. The former employee claimed the business owed him $1,000 in back pay, the complaint stated.

Christianson was charged with burglary, theft and bail jumping for committing a new crime while on bond. (La Crosse, WI)

Thank goodness that brave Italian sausage was able to shake it off and finish his leg of the race.

Update: Additional video clip of the sausage mow down here.

A modern-day cattle rustler who was previously charged for disorderly conduct after a rave he was holding on his farm got shut down?

This guy is definitely a Meat Criminal to watch.

At first blush, it seems like this guy was just hoping to score the ingredients for a romantic dinner that he could not otherwise afford. But the fact that he was boosting three T-Bones instead of two points to some possible freaky-deaky bullshit on his evening itinerary.

(Photo via Maggie Osterberg on Twitter)

01/26/10 A package of baby carrots, plum jam, bell pepper, rib eye steaks, a package of turkey and two packages of bacon were taken from a business in the 400 block of South Montgomery Avenue. (Sheffield, AL)

01/26/10 Burglar hits American Legion - A burglar used a crowbar to break into a storeroom and snatch $40 worth of sausage, bacon and beef patties at the American Legion on Center Street early Sunday morning, Watsonville police said.

The Legion’s security company reported the burglar alarm at 6:45 a.m.

Police searched the neighborhood, but were unable to locate a suspect.

A door and window screen were damaged. (Watsonville, CA)

01/15/10 A couple of unusual - likely unrelated - theft reports have been taken by MPD in the past couple of weeks. One involves beer, the other pizza. On January 11th an employee of the Tilted Kilt Pub & Eatery, 420 Gammon Pl., reported the theft of 10 empty beer kegs. They had been stored outside in a gated area. Surveillance images show two men in a white, 2000 to 2005 Dodge Ram loading the spent barrels into the pickup truck and driving off.

The second theft was reported on January 15th, when a Rockford IL man discovered his Orv’s Pizza van had been broken into and looted of 12 cases - $600 dollars worth - of frozen pies. The van had been parked behind a Cottage Grove Road business.

The pizzas included: four cases of Gino’s deep dish, six cases of Gino’s thin crust, and two cases of Lombardi’s sausage pizza. (Madison, WI)

01/13/10 A resident reported two women on Library Lane were run off the road by a loose chicken. An officer checked the area, but the chicken was gone on arrival. (St. Helena, CA)

01/14/10 Geddes police are asking for help in identifying a man caught on Wegman’s surveillance video attempting to steal $167 of meat from the Fairmount Wegmans on West Genesee Street.

The incident happened on January 5, around 5:00 p.m. Wegman’s security told police the same man had been in the store earlier in the day and got away with stealing more than $200 dollars of beer and Red Bull. When security approached him as he was leaving the store that second time, the man abandoned the cart and took off toward the Marshall’s store in Camillus. (Geddes, NY)

01/13/10 LARCENY: Robert E. Tall, 33, 1801 Ontario Ave., Apt. 2, Niagara Falls, was arrested Monday evening after he was allegedly caught shoplifting at the Tops market on Niagara Street. He is charged with petit larceny and possession of marijuana. Numerous items a store manager said Tall tried to wheel out of the store in a shopping cart include laundry and bathroom supplies, several kinds of meat including a $50 ham, an 18 pack of beer and other items totaling more than $200. Tall is being held in lieu of $250 bail. (Tonawanda, NY)

01/13/10 David J. Nueser, 45, was arrested for domestic violence-related disorderly conduct and possession of drug paraphernalia at a home in the 400 block of North Eighth Street at 12:48 a.m. Sunday.

Nueser allegedly “trashed” a 47-year-old woman’s apartment while she slept, according to a police report. Nueser lives with the woman.

A lamp was broken, the back of a kitchen chair was damaged and shrimp was scattered on a floor in the home, according to the report.

Manitowoc police found Nueser, who was intoxicated, asleep on a sofa in the home, according to the report.

Police found a marijuana pipe in his pocket after he was arrested, according to the report. (Manitowoc, WI)

01/04/10 4:01 p.m. A solicitor was selling meat door-to-door on Edgecliff Terrace. (Lake Oswego, OR)

12/21/09 McComb police are investigating the reported weekend theft of an 18-wheeler from the Market Max parking lot at 115 E. Presley Blvd.

Walter Peters of Franklinton, La., told police Sunday that his driver parked the rig at Market Max about 4 p.m. Saturday. When the driver went to get the truck about 1 a.m. Sunday, it was missing.

The truck is described as a 1995 maroon Peterbilt truck with PM Trucking LLC on the doors, a truck number 379 and a Louisiana tag, P168027.

The trailer is a white 48-foot refrigerated trailer containing meat products with the number 712 painted on it. (McComb, MS)

12/18/09 Kwik Trip, 2970 New Pinery Road: Police at 11:59 p.m. Monday took a report of the theft of food from the store. A man took a hot dog and a bag of nacho chips worth $5.67, throwing a $1 bill behind him as he left without paying for the balance of the cost, police said. (Portage, WI)

12/16/09 Police received a report from the 360 block of Winnow Court of a van in the neighborhood selling meat products. Police discovered that there was a warrant for the arrest of one of the men, age 22. (Sunbury, OH)

BONUS “CELEBRITY” ENTRY

12/11/09 A former sheriff’s deputy who admitted accepting bribes to give preferential treatment to “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis while jailed in Reno avoided prison time after U.S. prosecutors argued for leniency due to his cooperation in the case.

Ex-Washoe County deputy Ralph Hawkins was sentenced Friday to three years probation and fined $4,000 for accepting $3,200 in cash and tickets to Oakland Raiders football games from a Francis associate.

He acknowledged that in exchange, he had smuggled in sushi, barbecued chicken and other food to the soft porn mogul while he was being held on tax evasion charges last year.

Hawkins faced up to 10 months in prison. But Assistant U.S. Attorney Ron Rachow argued probation was appropriate and U.S. District Judge Robert C. Jones agreed. (Reno, NV)

12/18/09 A La Crosse man was cited for shoplifting Thursday after he was caught with a 2.4-pound beef tenderloin in his pants.

Thomas Byers was at the Copeland Avenue Festival Foods when an employee saw him slip the $14.59 cut down the front of his trousers and walk past the registers, according to the police report.

Byers, 47, told police he didn’t have any money and was really hungry.

The store manager said the meat was recovered. (La Crosse, WI)

12/17/09 A Cleveland Heights man, 19, was arrested for theft after he stole two packs of beef jerky, valued at $13.98, Dec. 8 from Rite Aid, 13470 Cedar. (University Heights, OH)

12/17/09 Burglars kicked open the front door at a home on the 1200 block of North Forest and stole meat valued at $200 out of a freezer. Damage was estimated at $1,000. (Arlington Heights, IL)

12/16/09 Powerade drinks, bottled water, a case of Diet Coke and a case of chicken fingers were taken from the Gadsden Softball Complex on West Meighan Boulevard between 6:30 p.m. Dec. 14 and 7:30 a.m. Dec. 15. (Gasden, AL)

12/16/09 Theft charge: Robert Ducarme, 40, of 1542 Meldon Ave., Donora, was charged Tuesday with retail theft by Monongahela police after he allegedly tried to hide a Sugardale ham and leave Monongahela Foodland without paying for the meat. (Monongahela, PA)