This quote from Ms. Howard is definitely in the running for the official lyrics of Meat Crimes’ theme song.

Greedy Meat Thief Hits Lady’s Freezer Once Too Often

After someone stole food and cigarettes from [Diana] Howard’s garage freezer, she decided to buy a surveillance camera. Last Saturday, the camera caught a man stealing frozen goods from the freezer.

“Took all my hamburger. Took all my Hot Pockets. Took all my bacon and all my breakfast sausages,” said Howard.

06/14/10 After being caught stealing steaks and ham from a Junction supermarket, the aggressive and hostile suspect asked to use the bathroom. But store managers didn’t feel comfortable letting the man leave the room where he was being questioned. In return, the suspect urinated all over the floor of the office. He was eventually booked into King County Jail for the theft and for an outstanding Mountlake Terrace warrant for unlawful possession of liquor. (Seattle, WA)

06/11/10 7:40 a.m. A Columbia Falls woman reported that her neighbor hurled a dead chicken at her pigs. (Columbia Falls, MT)

05/05/10 Arrest: On May 5, deputy Wesley Bryant was dispatched to Racetrack Road for a domestic dispute. Bryant arrived to find Jason Casper, 34, in the yard swinging a chair. Casper walked toward Bryant, telling him to shoot him and that he wasn’t afraid of going to jail. Casper claimed his wife and ex-wife were plotting against him. Casper’s wife explained that during a dispute, he cursed in front of their children, threw a hot dog in her face, picked up the bun and smeared it in her face, then hit her with his elbow. Casper was arrested for battery. (Madison, GA)

05/04/10 Slinging beef: At 4:25 a.m. May 4 in the 29625 Pacific Highway South, a suspect threw a bag of beef stroganoff at a convenience store clerk. (Federal Way, WA)

Moral of the story: If you’re going to buy thousands of dollars of stolen sausage casings, go the extra mile and pick up a money order.

(Photo by colbalt123 via Flickr)

04/01/10 A craving for Vienna sausage landed a man in jail about 8:30 a.m. Someone called from a Commonwealth Avenue convenience store to say that a guy with a cast on his arm thieved the wiener and took off down the road. Police caught up with him at a store down the street. (Bristol, VA)

03/23/10 A man was arrested for attempting to steal $1,000 in boneless beef tenderloin and attacking a security officer with a screwdriver at the Capitol Hill QFC on 15th and Harrison, according to the police report. The security guard was shaken-up, but was not hurt. (Seattle, WA)

03/19/10 3:19 p.m., 700 block of N. Mathilda Avenue. It was reported that a person was struck by a hamburger thrown by an employee of a fast food restaurant. (Sunnyvale, CA)

03/08/10 Christian Montgomery, who works in the meat department of Greenlife Grocery, wrapped a large amount of meat for a customer.

He thought the customer looked suspicious so he followed him to the next aisle. He saw the man put the meat down his pants, then run for the door.

Two female employees saw the man run out as well. They said he is Roddy Nixon who they said had stolen from the store before. (Chattanooga, TN)

03/04/10 At 7:17 a.m. Friday a person on the 400 block of Howard Avenue reported that sometime overnight his son’s 2007 orange Mustang was damaged. The car was egged, keyed and had a slice of lunch meat stuck to the side of it. Some of the eggs thrown at the car also hit the house. Estimated damage is $500. (Elmhurst, IL)

03/01/10 A resident of Fauntleroy Way called 911 to report ongoing harassment from a neighbor. The latest? She had been accused of stealing chicken from a grill. Though the accuser wouldn’t answer the door, her boyfriend admitted that his partner is an alcoholic and might have other substance issues. (A records check showed that she’s also a registered sex offender who is wanted on a $10,000 misdemeanor warrant.) (Seattle, WA)

02/14/10 An 82-year-old Gastonia man called Gastonia police when a thief took various items from his home while he was sleeping, according to case reports.

The Cedar Avenue resident told police that he woke up Saturday morning to find a variety of items missing.

Among the missing goods was a bottle of lansoprazole, a bottle of clonazepam, tools, a flashlight and a beef roast. The man estimated that he was out almost $250. (Gastonia, NC)

02/14/10 At 9:57 a.m. a caller from Empire Street reported two people in a red car throwing hot dog buns filled with rocks out the window of the vehicle. (Nevada City, CA)

02/12/10 Longview police on Thursday arrested Jared Burton Libby, 22, of Longview on suspicion of second-degree burglary. Libby allegedly shoplifted packages of ribeye steak valued at $84.46 from the Ocean Beach Highway Safeway. He had previously been banned from trespassing in all Safeway stores in Washington for a prior shoplifting incident in January. Bail: $10,000. (Longview, WA)

01/20/10 A man going door to door selling meat raised the suspicions of a Raintree woman Jan. 20. The man said he was from Midwest Steak Co. When the woman asked to see his solicitor’s permit, he refused to show it to her. Officers were unable to locate the man. (Olmsted Falls, OH)

01/19/10 An employee of Albertsons reported that a Seattle man had attempted to steal Ribeye Roasts from the grocery store on Jan. 19. According to the police report, the suspect was seen putting the meat into a duffel bag. He then left the store without paying. The man was contacted by the employee. Police found the meat in some bushes a few blocks from the store. The man was arrested and taken into custody. The Seattle resident had been suspected of shoplifting from Albertsons several times over the course of two weeks. Staff had reported seeing the same man steal multiple canisters of Tide detergent and other items. The acts were caught on the store’s security camera. (Mercer Island, WA)

01/21/10 Police are looking for the man who robbed a West Valley business and escaped with a rather odd item.

The owner of a TV repair shop was unloading equipment from his van when a man came into the business at 1607 W. 3500 South and demanded cash.

When the owner went inside the store, the suspect went out and removed a $1,200 meat packing scale from the van and started putting it in his car.

The owner confronted him and the man flashed a gun, so he backed off. No shots were fired.

The man drove off in a red Chevrolet Cavalier with a temporary license plate on it.

Police are still looking for the suspect. (West Valley City, UT)

01/11/10 Three alleged Walmart burglars evidently planned on carry-out for dinner and a quiet evening at home Friday as they tried to exit the Pekin Walmart with potato wedges and chicken tenders, two 12 packs of soda, a king-size comforter and a DVD and video games.

Walmart security nabbed three people at 8:21 p.m. Friday when they placed items in their own Walmart bags and allegedly tried to exit the store without paying, said Pekin Police Public Information Officer Mike Sanders.

Pekin police arrived at the Walmart where they found the three suspects, Matthew D. Wasion, 22, of 2032 Westgate Drive, Pekin; James Bader, 20, of the same address; and Audrianna Jo Larson, 19, of 5008 38th Ave., Kenosha, Wis., in the custody of Walmart loss prevention officers, said Sanders.

The police officer asked the trio if they had money to pay for the items. All said they had no money. The total amount stolen was valued at $354.62, said Sanders.

All three suspects were taken to the Tazewell County Justice Center where they were released on notices to appear. (Pekin, IL)

12/14/09 Burglary, 5200 block of Lamesa, Sunday. Christmas presents were stolen by someone who entered through a window after removing the window unit. Approximate value of items taken was $1,000. Stolen items included men’s clothing, girl’s and women’s clothing, necklace with stones, dishes, silverware, Sony home stereo with CD and cassette player, and 12 pounds of packaged bacon. (Abilene, TX)

12/14/09 A 20-year-old claimed he was “just trying to get something to eat” when he tried to shoplift from a Westwood grocery and assaulted store guards who tried to stop him. An officer brought the thief’s adventure to a halt by taking him down in the parking lot. The $449 of beef was returned to the store. (Seattle, WA)

12/10/09 Grove City police arrested a 53-year-old Grove City woman for a theft that took place between 12:30 p.m. and 1:03 p.m. Dec. 10.

Authorities at in a business in the 2400 block of Stringtown Road observed her concealing groceries upon her person, police said.

Store security watched the woman because she had been known to steal from the store before, according to police reports.

The woman hid beef, gravy, potatoes, onions, biscuits and assorted fresh vegetables in her clothing, then attempted to leave the store, police said. The total value of the items was $34.31. (Grove City, OH)

12/10/09 Retail theft of chicken, a flint starter, two cameras, two bicycles, Pokemon cards and a drink was reported at Wal-Mart. (Bartow, FL)

The Lewiston, ID/Clarkston, WA region might want to consider starting its own Meat Crime Blotter.