07/11/11 Someone put a hot dog in a bun with mustard on the doorstep and poured mustard on the door of a residence at the 0-100 block of Dover sometime around 11:23 p.m. on July 11. The resident reported no permanent damage at the time of the report. (LaGrange, IL)

07/25/11 A Hermiston man, in what appeared to be an attempt to win his girlfriend back, left boxes of meat as gifts in the woman’s parking lot. The woman reported to police she did not want the “gifts” and would like the man to come get the meat boxes. (Hermiston, OR)

09/13/10 Police responded to a residence in the 500 block of Franklin Street at 8:53 p.m. Saturday where a woman claimed that her ex-boyfriend had thrown a bag of frozen meat through her living room window, breaking it, but had left prior to the officers’ arrival. (Salem, OH)

08/11/10 Around 8 a.m. Aug. 11, an officer responded to a report of arson in the 100 block of Manana Boulevard.

A woman said she found what appeared to be a burning box of fried chicken under a coworker’s car, got some water and put it out. She said as she was putting out the fire she noticed a child she had had problems with in the past watching her.

The officer spoke to the child, who admitted he put newspaper in the box and lit it on fire. (Clovis, NM)

Blotter Bonus: Not quite a Meat Crime, but, you know…

08/30/10 A 911-caller rambling about politics, Kentucky Fried Chicken and men with pink eyes expressed an interest in joining the sheriff’s office (Cave Junction, OR)

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Meat Crimes to bring you:

The Presidential Ham

More on the artist here.

Portland pig cook-off followed by strip club brawl over the provenance of pork 

If this guy doesn’t land a Food Network show called “Pig Roastin’ with a Local Hooligan” there is something wrong with the world.

03/24/10 Police responded to a call at a house on Cotton Street on Saturday to resolve a fistfight over the size of a steak. (Chapel Hill, NC)

03/23/10 Snack heist foiled. Police responded to a Shell station on South Main Street Saturday on a theft call. Investigation uncovered that three of the suspects were in possession of stolen beef jerky. All three received citations for theft less than $50 and criminal trespass warnings to stay away from the business.

Police arrested a fourth suspect for two outstanding Cleburne warrants. (Cleburne, TX)

3/01/10 7:11 p.m. Sliced ham was placed all over a car. (Lake Oswego, OR)

02/09/10 1:50 p.m. — A male juvenile was caught stealing beef jerky from the Dollar Tree. He was referred to the juvenile department on a charge of theft in the third degree. (Ashland, OR)

02/05/10 A South Arlington Road woman reported Feb. 5 she gave $32 to a salesman from Midwest Steak Co. for steaks, and the man left with the money and the steaks. (Springfield, OH)

02/05/10 Police arrested a 43-year-old West Des Moines man and a 44-year-old Adel man for disorderly conduct at Johnny’s Italian Steakhouse. The two men began arguing after the Adel man complained to a server about the cut of his steak. The West Des Moines man then allegedly began making rude remarks and the two began pushing each other, ultimately ending up fighting on the floor of the restaurant. (West Des Moines, IA)

01/26/10 Terence Greg-Tyrish Henderson, 18, of 435 S. Hycliff Dr., Apt. 604C, was charged by Watertown police at 12:13 a.m. Tuesday at his residence with petit larceny.

Police said he admitted to stealing a package of Spicy Chicken Wings valued at $3.99 from Sugar Creek, 1279 Coffeen St., at about 11:42 p.m. Jan. 25.

He is summoned to appear Feb. 16 in City Court. (Watertown, NY)

01/14/10 Geddes police are asking for help in identifying a man caught on Wegman’s surveillance video attempting to steal $167 of meat from the Fairmount Wegmans on West Genesee Street.

The incident happened on January 5, around 5:00 p.m. Wegman’s security told police the same man had been in the store earlier in the day and got away with stealing more than $200 dollars of beer and Red Bull. When security approached him as he was leaving the store that second time, the man abandoned the cart and took off toward the Marshall’s store in Camillus. (Geddes, NY)

01/13/10 LARCENY: Robert E. Tall, 33, 1801 Ontario Ave., Apt. 2, Niagara Falls, was arrested Monday evening after he was allegedly caught shoplifting at the Tops market on Niagara Street. He is charged with petit larceny and possession of marijuana. Numerous items a store manager said Tall tried to wheel out of the store in a shopping cart include laundry and bathroom supplies, several kinds of meat including a $50 ham, an 18 pack of beer and other items totaling more than $200. Tall is being held in lieu of $250 bail. (Tonawanda, NY)

01/13/10 David J. Nueser, 45, was arrested for domestic violence-related disorderly conduct and possession of drug paraphernalia at a home in the 400 block of North Eighth Street at 12:48 a.m. Sunday.

Nueser allegedly “trashed” a 47-year-old woman’s apartment while she slept, according to a police report. Nueser lives with the woman.

A lamp was broken, the back of a kitchen chair was damaged and shrimp was scattered on a floor in the home, according to the report.

Manitowoc police found Nueser, who was intoxicated, asleep on a sofa in the home, according to the report.

Police found a marijuana pipe in his pocket after he was arrested, according to the report. (Manitowoc, WI)

01/04/10 4:01 p.m. A solicitor was selling meat door-to-door on Edgecliff Terrace. (Lake Oswego, OR)

11/24/09 A Moncks Corner officer responded to a call at the Kangaroo Station on U.S. 52 about a suspicious person sleeping in a vehicle. When the officer arrived, he made contact with the subject, who stated he was not sleeping but simply waiting for his brother to meet him at that location. When the officer asked for identification, the man said he didn’t have any on him; after a few minutes of questioning, he admitted he drove there and his license was suspended.

While the officer was speaking with the subject, he happened to notice several packages of ham and bacon, still in their wrappers. The subject said he had no idea where it came from, that the vehicle was his girlfriend’s car and that the meat was “just there.”

Finally, the subject admitted stealing the meat from a store in Moncks Corner. Because of the time of day and the fact that the store was closed at that time, the officer arrested the subject for receiving stolen goods and transported him to Hill Finklea Detention Center.

When the subject got to the detention center, he became combative and detention center employees had to subdue him and place him into solitary confinement. (Moncks Corner, SC)

11/24/09 A Virginia man was arrested Monday evening for shoplifting after attempting to smuggle several food items out of a Myrtle Beach Wal-Mart in his pants.

An employee of the Wal-Mart on 541 Seaboard St. said he witnessed Gregory Baker, Jr., 27, of Rosehill, Va., enter the store and proceed to the electronics area, where he picked up a “messenger kit” and an “N-router” and concealed them in his clothing, according to the police report.

The employee said he watched as Baker went to the food section of the store and begin to put various food items, including beef jerky and cheesecake, inside of his pants. He then left the store out the front door without paying, the witness stated.

The loss prevention employee approached him, escorted him back to the office and had Baker return all of the items.

The total value of the items stolen was $116.44. Baker said he was stealing the items for Christmas, according to the report. (Myrtle Beach, SC)

11/12/09 4:22 a.m. — A caller along the 12200 block of SE McLoughlin Boulevard told police a weird smell was coming from an upstairs apartment, and the fire department refused to respond. She told police it smelled like beef stew, then said she thought it was drugs. It turned out to be curried chicken baking in an oven. (Milwaukie, OR)

11/10/09 At 10:46 a.m. Louie’s Seafood on Broadway reported the theft of six 10-pound boxes of haddock. Suspects entered through a rear metal door that had been pried open. (Raynham, MA)

Guys wandering around office buildings selling meat they have stashed in their vans will usually give you a pretty good deal, so long as you don’t let them scribble down your debit card number.