01/31/12 An argument about getting a pizza or a chicken club sandwich led to a stabbing inside a house on Meyers Street early Monday, according to charges filed.

Duryea police charged Karen Gardinor, 54, with assaulting David Soroka during an argument about what kind of food they wanted to order.

Soroka told police Gardinor assaulted him with scissors, an ink pen and a letter opener during the argument, according to the criminal complaint. (Duryea, PA)

12/04/11 A man told police that he had been jumped as he was walking eastbound down [Detroit Avenue] at about 9:30 p.m. Dec. 4. He was unable to provide any additional information. After questioning, however, the officer learned that this man had not been jumped. There had been an argument over “chicken and ice cream” between the man and some other residents. (Lakewood, OH)

10/26/11 Various cuts of meat were reported stolen from a freezer in an unsecured garage Oct. 26. Among the missing meat: one chuck roast, two eye-of-round roasts, 10 pork chops and possibly a whole ham. (Parma Heights, OH)

11/08/11 A Colt semiautomatic handgun, a Remington 12-gauge shotgun, two Ruger revolvers, two loaded speed loaders for a revolver, two gun cleaning kits, two boxes of 12-gauge bird shot, one box of buckshot, one box of deer slugs and one box of Hamburger Helper mix belonging to Michael D. Lee were stolen and a door was damaged at a home in New Cambria between 8:30 a.m. and 4 p.m. Monday; $1,311 loss and damage. (Salina, KS)

Well, then, maybe this store should consider not having a more loosey-goosey “no shirt, no shoes” policy than the ER .

Alleged Meat Thief Just “Trying to Cool a Small Burn on His Leg”

A store employee told authorities that he witnessed Simonovich grabbing several packs of meat and stuffing them down his sweatpants. The worker confronted the suspect, who initially denied taking anything. During his denial, however, two of the packages fell from his pants leg.
…
After being read his rights, Simonovich told authorities that he was not attempting to steal the meat, explaining he was simply trying to cool a small burn on his leg.

02/16/11 Farrah Elizabeth Peeler, 33, of 313 Laurens Road, was charged with aggravated criminal domestic violence.

[D]eputies responded to the home to find an argument still in progress. A man told officers that Peeler hit him in the chest with a cup and pulled a gun on him. The man told officers that Peeler pointed the gun in his direction, and told her son to move when he stepped in between them or she would shoot him.

Peeler told deputies that she did point the gun at the man and told him she was going to kill him, but she did not point the gun at her son, the report said. Officers did not find a gun.

Peeler said the argument began when the man threw fish sticks in her hair. (Landrum, SC)

02/14/11 Gahanna police dealt with road rage caused by a flying chicken nugget…

A juvenile driver told police he was leaving the parking lot of a business when he bit into a chicken nugget, didn’t like the taste, and threw it out the driver’s-side window.

The boy said a vehicle made a right turn into the parking lot at the same time, so the nugget hit the side of the car.

The boy told police a “very large” man jumped out of the vehicle and put his fist through the left passenger window of the boy’s car, showering the vehicle with broken glass. (Gahanna, OH)

01/27/11 Moreland Hills police reported at 2:40 a.m. Sunday that a “highly intoxicated male” was walking from the BP Station. When Chagrin Falls police caught up with him, “he appeared to have an entire package of beef jerky in his mouth,” and was reluctant to give his name and address. When police told him he needed to cooperate or face charges he said he was hungry and his mother was “Martha Washington.” The South Russell man, 24, was later picked up at the police station by his parents.  (Chagrin Falls, OH)

01/05/11 A caller reports that twice in the past 30 days he had found horse manure at 9A at Farragut Avenue, the place in which he normally parks his hot dog truck for operation. The caller stated that he’d had a dispute with an unknown individual several weeks prior to the first incident. The caller said the excrement was transported in black garbage bags with yellow plastic drawstrings, which were left at the scene. Police are still investigating. (Hastings-on-Hudson, NY)

Some people should really have their meat privileges revoked if they’re going to go around treating it so disrespectfully.

The 47-year-old man told LorainCounty sheriff’s deputies his live-in-girlfriend hit him with a ham sandwich inside their home in the 2600 block of Royalton Road around 7:10 p.m.

Police scanner traffic indicated the man was unable to provide deputies with a full description of the sandwich, such as whether it was toasted or untoasted.

…

Deputies located a slice of bread on the floor, but suspect the family dog ate the ham, according to the report.

(Photo: a_soft_world via Flickr)

Now that we’ve watched 2010 careen over the horizon on a bicycle with five pounds of ribeye down its slacks, it’s time for you to vote on Meat Criminal of the Year!

While the below are our top five picks, if you don’t see your preferred dirtbag, we’re open to write-ins. Shockingly, the list is not totally dominated by the denizens of Florida, but with two entries, the state is finely represented. The list is, however, chock full of dudes. Ladies, let’s step it up for 2011!

OUR CONTESTANTS

  OHIO Man Arrested After Attacking ATM, Stealing Meat, Orange Flavored Mad Dog and CO2 Tank

  FLORIDA Elderly Man Shoplifts 100 Pounds of Clams After Blowing Social Security on Tattoo

  FLORIDA One-Eyed Meat Thief on Motorized Scooter will F*ck You Up!

  MISSOURI Charges Filed Against Lawnmower Riding, Hot Dog Eating Man On Epic Crime Spree

  INDIANA Man Goes on Supermarket Meat Rampage, Wants to Save Young Girls from Beef

  GEORGIA Meat Crime Blotter - Special “Why Can’t a Sex Offender Eat Hot Dogs Behind a Day Care Center’s Dumpster in Peace?” Edition

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AND FINALLY, since no Meat Criminal was identified, our hands-down favorite story of the year could not be included in the vote. But we thank you, Oklahoma, for your tidy stack of wild boars in a Carl’s Jr. drive-thru.

We look forward to bringing many thrilling new Meat Crimes to your attention in the New Year!

(“Grand Prix Moose” photo by Frank Trana)

This is just the “Married With Children” reboot America has been craving.

Couple Busted for Bacon and Peanuts

50-year-old Sarah McCoy was arrested for drunken driving Monday night after crashing her car into a neighbor’s tree. She was arrested again Tuesday night after police say she stole two packs of bacon and a package of peanuts from the Circle K on Union Ave.

Also arrested was 52-year-old Gerald McCoy. Both live on West Wayne St.

Police say the two McCoys were drunk when they were picked up Tuesday. They had walked to the store instead of driving.

10/24/10 A man was arrested for shoplifting at Kroger on Ga. 20 after he was seen leaving the store without paying for several items. A loss prevention officer saw him stuffing a tenderloin steak, a ribeye steak, a bottle of A1 steak sauce and steak seasoning down his pants. (Newton, GA)

10/14/10 A BP Express attendant called police after seeing a suspicious man standing beside one of the gas pumps 11:16 p.m. Sunday.

When police arrived the Lorain man, 26, was holding a knife to his chest. He also had visible injuries from a fight earlier in the day in Sheffield.

He had numerous packages of beef jerky stuffed in his pants along with candy, potato chips, cheese and bean dip, causing one officer to remark he “had a party in his pants.”

The man stole $80 in food items from the gas station.

With him was a 16-year-old runaway boy from Lorain, who had also been involved in the earlier fight. The 26-year-old was transported to Geauga Hospital for observation. The boy’s mother was contacted to pick her son up at the police station. (Bainbridge, OH)

09/23/10 A man told police that his ex-girlfriend threw frozen meat through one of his windows and broke it at 3:03 p.m. Saturday. (Lakewood, OH)

09/27/10 Bologna Attack: A 47-year-old woman living in the 3800 block of Grassmore Road in Naperville, reported on Sept. 27 that raw eggs and bologna were thrown earlier in the week onto her bedroom window and the hood of her car. She said she believed the attack occurred between 11:30 a.m. Sept. 25 and 7:30 a.m. Sept. 26. (Naperville, IL)

09/30/10 At 7:15 p.m. Saturday, police responded to a report of a man who was acting and walking like a zombie and scaring patrons of the Red Rooster Chicken and Deli. The man was detained and removed from the scene. (Lakewood, OH)