This guy needs to get with the program. Everyone knows the summer’s hot new toy is hog intestine.

Teacher Insists Deer Hoof and Ear Left at Ex-wife’s Home Were Gifts for Daughter

A high school teacher charged with “terrorizing” his ex wife and children by leaving severed deer parts at their home told the local court the deer ear and hoof were gifts for his daughter to “play with.”
…
Heard got the deer parts earlier the same day from a friend who harvested a road-killed deer and remembered his daughter had previously seen a deer harvested and mentioned wanting a hoof, his lawyer wrote to the court. The hoof and ear were left as presents, not to terrorize, according to [attorney] Marconi.

The beef jerky, it will get you every time.

Escaped Sex Offender Nabbed After Beef Jerky and Beer Heist

A man who identified himself as Paul LeBlanc was caught stealing a case of beer and a beef jerky from a Lake City Walmart before 6 a.m. on Tuesday…

But once he was fingerprinted at the jail, police learned he was actually Kevin Robert LeBlanc, who had an outstanding warrant in New Hampshire, where he had escaped from a state prison…

When he disappeared, he had only 22 days left on his sentence before he was eligible for parole.

Woman Faces 7 Years Behind Bars for Steak Theft

Luckily for Maria here, eyebrow pencils are available in most prison commissaries.

(Congratulations to New Hampshire for its first Meat Crime entry!)