06/09/11 At 5:36 p.m., a Continental Court resident reported someone entered his home and stole blood thinner medication and three pieces of chicken from his refrigerator. According to police, the victim reported his phone lines are bugged by the thief, who has entered the home before. (Woburn, MA)

06/02/11 A woman was arrested June 2 for stealing under $500 and destruction of property at the Family Dollar store in the first block of Fenton Plaza. Police said the intoxicated woman opened a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew and Chef Boyardee Ravioli and began eating them while in the store. She then spilled the ravioli on 10 towels and washcloths and then left the store without paying. As officers were at the store taking a report of the incident she returned and approached the officers, asking for a ride to visit her husband at the hospital. (Fenton Plaza, MO)

Now that we’ve watched 2010 careen over the horizon on a bicycle with five pounds of ribeye down its slacks, it’s time for you to vote on Meat Criminal of the Year!

While the below are our top five picks, if you don’t see your preferred dirtbag, we’re open to write-ins. Shockingly, the list is not totally dominated by the denizens of Florida, but with two entries, the state is finely represented. The list is, however, chock full of dudes. Ladies, let’s step it up for 2011!

OUR CONTESTANTS

  OHIO Man Arrested After Attacking ATM, Stealing Meat, Orange Flavored Mad Dog and CO2 Tank

  FLORIDA Elderly Man Shoplifts 100 Pounds of Clams After Blowing Social Security on Tattoo

  FLORIDA One-Eyed Meat Thief on Motorized Scooter will F*ck You Up!

  MISSOURI Charges Filed Against Lawnmower Riding, Hot Dog Eating Man On Epic Crime Spree

  INDIANA Man Goes on Supermarket Meat Rampage, Wants to Save Young Girls from Beef

  GEORGIA Meat Crime Blotter - Special “Why Can’t a Sex Offender Eat Hot Dogs Behind a Day Care Center’s Dumpster in Peace?” Edition

_______________________

AND FINALLY, since no Meat Criminal was identified, our hands-down favorite story of the year could not be included in the vote. But we thank you, Oklahoma, for your tidy stack of wild boars in a Carl’s Jr. drive-thru.

We look forward to bringing many thrilling new Meat Crimes to your attention in the New Year!

(“Grand Prix Moose” photo by Frank Trana)

We must have been in a coma when this story initially broke back in August. Justin K. Schmitt, Meat Crimes says “Salute!”

Charges Filed Against Lawnmower Riding, Hot Dog Eating Man On Epic Crime Spree

Jackson County prosecutors have filed charges against Justin K. Schmitt, who was arrested back in August after he allegedly (A) tried to flee a burglary on a stolen riding lawnmower and (B) then hid in the woods, taking off his clothes and rolling in the mud, police said.

One of the victim’s first clues that something was wrong was when he saw a half-eaten, frozen hot dog lying on the ground outside his garage.

The homeowner told deputies he had noticed a man driving past his house riding a lawn mower and soon realized it was his own mower. He armed himself with a semi-automatic handgun, got in his car and tracked the lawnmower driver down.
Schmitt then found an empty travel trailer with a bicycle nearby. He allegedly got a drink and some crackers in the trailer and then left on the bicycle.

03/21/10 Franklin-based state police were called to an incident involving criminal mischief that happened on Saturday at 4 a.m. at 1844 Hill City Road in Cranberry Township, Venango County. According to the report, suspect(s) attempted to remove a 6 foot yellow light-up chicken sign belonging to Grace Eleanor Remaley. In the process, the suspect(s) damaged the chicken. Estimated amount of damage is $1,000. (Cranberry Township, PA)

03/18/10 4:30 p.m.: A package of bacon bits was stolen from a business in the 1700 block of East Broadway Boulevard. (Sedalia, MO)

03/12/10 An Orangeburg woman said her former boyfriend used a key to enter her home and take a package of sausage, bread and rice, according to an ODPS incident report. He later sent her a text message saying he would replace the items after he gets paid and return the key, she said. (Orangeburg, SC)

03/12/10 Beef. A pack of noodles. Barbecue and spaghetti sauces.

Shoplifting the items from a grocery store was a minor offense, but when Risa K. Blackie used a stun-gun on a store manager who tried to stop her, it became a major crime.

The 18-year-old Massillon woman avoided a prison sentence Wednesday for robbery and misdemeanor carrying concealed weapons.

Telling Blackie that she looked about to wet her pants, Stark County Common Pleas Judge Lee Sinclair placed her on intensive probation for a year, including two months of house arrest, and ordered her to perform 100 hours of community service. (Canton, OH)

03/10/10 Officers went to Avoca Road “in reference to juveniles chasing a chicken.” Police noted there was no “explanation of why the chicken was being chased.” (Bristol, TN)

02/26/10 Officers are on edge looking for a possible merry prankster, following a Feb. 26 report from a resident in the 500 block of Hinsdale Court. The resident told police someone had taken carpet deodorizer from inside her home, and replaced it with a different brand. The culprits also took meat from her refrigerator and replaced it with meat that had an earlier sell-by date. An investigation continues. (Rick City, MO)

02/26/10 1:49 a.m.: Syrup and lunch meat was spread all over a vehicle in the 2400 block of West Main Street. (Sedalia, MO)

02/26/10 A University of Arizona Police Department officer responded to the west side of the Arizona Stadium at 540 N. Vine Ave. on Sunday at 1:39 p.m. about UA property damage.

The officer met with a UA employee working in the tree ring laboratory, who stated he saw the folding gate at Gate 13 had been bent and broken.

The officer reported that the gate looked bent back just enough to allow someone to fit through it.

On the ground, in front of the gate, was an open bag of Gardetto’s snacks, as well as pieces of hamburger and bacon.

The man reporting the damage also reported that several doors inside of the laboratory officers were opened but that nothing seemed to be missing. When the man checked the open door to the custodial closet, he saw what looked like human feces inside the trashcan.

Outside the custodial room were also pieces of the hamburger, as well as the chips and more pieces of bacon. (Tucson, AZ)

02/02/10 Police were called Feb. 2 to a residence on the 1500 block of Brandywyn Court, after a resident found two bones on top of his mailbox. The police officer examined them and told the resident they might be chicken bones. The resident said he was concerned because he had only recently moved to the neighborhood. The police officer said he told the man “about the pizza in the mailboxes a few years ago,” referring to similar incidents in the past, and reported that the resident “felt better.” (Buffalo Grove, IL)

When everyone’s sitting around the old folks home, griping about their failing eyesight, at least this guy will have a better story than diabetes.

12/12/09 Residential burglary at 5200 block of April Drive. Victim reported that at some point between Tuesday afternoon and early Wednesday morning someone entered a residential garage and removed — but did not steal — a vehicle radio and stole 10 1-pound packs of hamburger meat from a freezer and a 20-pack of Miller High Life from a refrigerator, also stealing a duffel bag presumably to carry these items away. (Conway, AR)

12/11/09 Investigators found the beef, and a Manteca man will go to prison for trying to sell $10,000 worth of stolen jerky.

Christopher John Balcom, 33, was convicted of possession of stolen property in Stanislaus County Superior Court.

The District Attorney’s Office said after authorities investigating the theft of a cargo van containing the dried beef on Sept. 10 found Balcom selling the pilfered pemmican from in front of a store on Carver Road in Modesto.

Balcom was sentenced to 16 months in prison. (Modesto, CA)

12/10/09 A chicken statue was reported stolen between Nov. 25 and 29 from the yard of a home in the 13400 block of Thornhill Drive. Police later discovered the statue lying in a yard on the same street. (Town & Country, MO)

12/09/09 A Charleston woman was charged with shoplifting after she made a hot dog at a Myrtle Beach store, offered to pay for it tomorrow and then threw it away because she said it didn’t taste good, according to a police report.

Shelia Diane Anderson, 60, was charged with shoplifting after police were called to the Circle K at 1101 N. Kings Highway, police said. (Myrtle Beach, SC)

10/31/09 Amanda Masker, 27, of 1540 Wyoming Ave., Scranton was sentenced to 18 months’ probation for assaulting Scranton firefighter at her residence April 18 when firefighters were responding to a chicken wing fire on the stove. (Scranton, PA)

10/30/09 5700 block of Mining Terrace - Someone broke into a tractor trailer truck and stole 409 bags of potato chips, 54 bags of pretzels, 179 bags of beef jerky and six bags of cheese puffs. (Jacksonville, FL)

10/29/09 1:50 p.m.: Two packages of lunch meat, each valued at $2.19, were stolen from Bing’s East, 1709 E. Broadway Blvd. (Sedalia, MO)

10/22/09 Police said they arrested a man for stealing and eating several items Oct. 22 at a business in the 2700 block of Taylor Road.

Police said an employee saw the man eat a container of chicken from the deli, then drink a bottle of juice while walking to the electronics department, where he selected multiple compact discs.

Then, the man reportedly proceeded to the men’s department where he selected several items of clothing and entered the fitting room.

When the man exited the fitting room, he placed the clothing on a nearby shelf. Employees checked the clothing and found empty compact disc cases stuffed inside the pile, police said.

The man attempted to exit the store without paying for any items. Police said they arrested the man for theft and transported him to the Reynoldsburg police station. He was released on a summons. (Reynoldsburg, OH)