This just may be the most important update in the history of news media.

Police Update Meats Found in Accused Shoplifter’s Pants

Nathan Hardy, 35, is accused of shoplifting. Store employees said he tried to walk out of the grocery store without paying for items that he had stuffed into his pockets. Those items included two lobster tails in his front pockets, two bags of jumbo shrimp, and a pork loin, which was stuffed into his waist band.

Police originally reported that the lobsters were whole, live lobsters.

C’mon, Holiday Inn, just look at this guy. You know he must have to whip up breakfast for some new, lovely lady at minimum three mornings per week. That much breakfast food can really tax a man’s budget. So, would it really kill you to help a hunky Meat Criminal out and cut him a break this time?

Police on Lookout for Bacon and Waffle Thief

Andre Fitzgerald Hall, 27, of 201 E. Wood St., who is on probation for prior offenses, is accused of walking into the Holiday Inn on April 1 as if he were heading to a room. On his way to the back he detoured through the kitchen where he helped himself to two cases of bacon and six cases of waffles.

05/02/10 The owner of the Hot Dog Man, 1710 Monroe St., said two sodas and 1 1/2 hot dogs were missing. A half-eaten hot dog was left behind. (Vicksburg, MS)

04/30/10 Tuesday evening, David Bryan Johnson, 44, was arrested in the 1700 block of Bluebonnet Drive on suspicion of shoplifting (concealment) earlier at Smith’s Food and Drug, 1775 Lakeside Drive. Johnson allegedly stuffed four packages of beef jerky, valued at $40, down his pants. (Bullhead City, AZ)

04/29/10 Tied-up chicken 3:50 p.m. — A chicken was tied to a tree in the 200 block of North Washington Street. The owner was told to get rid of the creature. (Lodi, CA)

04/15/10 Two Reynoldsville residents were cited for simple assault Saturday after a verbal altercation turned physical. A woman threw a package of frozen hot dogs and two packages of frozen hamburger at a man, striking him in the arm and breaking a window at a residence. The man then picked up a package of hamburger and threw it back at the woman, striking her in the head. (Reynoldsville, PA)

04/09/10 Ponca City police received a report at 12:02 a.m. Wednesday that a man on a bicycle stole meat from Albertson’s grocery store. A report was taken. (Ponca City, OK)

03/30/10 Jason E. Conaway, 31, was a suspect in several criminal investigations when he was spotted Monday on 28th Street north of Long Beach, Harrison County Sheriff’s Capt. Carl Rhodes said.

Conaway was seen stealing a green lunch box from one vehicle and doing something under another vehicle, Rhodes said.

Deputies surrounded the area and called in a K-9 unit. A tracking dog bit Conaway during the capture. Deputies said they found Conaway with a green lunch box, a cooler and a can of Vienna sausage. He is charged with auto burglary but Rhodes said other charges are pending. (Long Beach, MS)

12/21/09 McComb police are investigating the reported weekend theft of an 18-wheeler from the Market Max parking lot at 115 E. Presley Blvd.

Walter Peters of Franklinton, La., told police Sunday that his driver parked the rig at Market Max about 4 p.m. Saturday. When the driver went to get the truck about 1 a.m. Sunday, it was missing.

The truck is described as a 1995 maroon Peterbilt truck with PM Trucking LLC on the doors, a truck number 379 and a Louisiana tag, P168027.

The trailer is a white 48-foot refrigerated trailer containing meat products with the number 712 painted on it. (McComb, MS)

12/18/09 Kwik Trip, 2970 New Pinery Road: Police at 11:59 p.m. Monday took a report of the theft of food from the store. A man took a hot dog and a bag of nacho chips worth $5.67, throwing a $1 bill behind him as he left without paying for the balance of the cost, police said. (Portage, WI)

12/16/09 Police received a report from the 360 block of Winnow Court of a van in the neighborhood selling meat products. Police discovered that there was a warrant for the arrest of one of the men, age 22. (Sunbury, OH)

BONUS “CELEBRITY” ENTRY

12/11/09 A former sheriff’s deputy who admitted accepting bribes to give preferential treatment to “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis while jailed in Reno avoided prison time after U.S. prosecutors argued for leniency due to his cooperation in the case.

Ex-Washoe County deputy Ralph Hawkins was sentenced Friday to three years probation and fined $4,000 for accepting $3,200 in cash and tickets to Oakland Raiders football games from a Francis associate.

He acknowledged that in exchange, he had smuggled in sushi, barbecued chicken and other food to the soft porn mogul while he was being held on tax evasion charges last year.

Hawkins faced up to 10 months in prison. But Assistant U.S. Attorney Ron Rachow argued probation was appropriate and U.S. District Judge Robert C. Jones agreed. (Reno, NV)

This is just the weirdest news segment I’ve seen in some time.  It is infinitely quotable, most notably “What you can’t see here is the smell.”

Also, congratulations to Mississippi on its first Meat Crime entry!

(Warning: Deer carcasses do appear in video, but not overly graphic)