Oh, judge, ye cowards who would hesitate to so gallantly defend a rack of ribs!

Underwear-Clad Woman Goes Berserk Over BBQ Ribs

Police said an argument over some barbeque Monday night resulted in fighting and property damage.
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Officers said they found a woman, later identified as 37-year-old Dameka L. Bryant, of 1958 Broadway St., standing in the driveway of the residence wearing only her bra and underwear.
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The residents told police Bryant became angry about the residents eating her barbecue ribs. The residents allegedly told Bryant to leave, at which point she kicked two holes in the drywall and threatened to beat them up.

08/01/10 10:32 a.m. Sunday, unknown subject egged, then put bologna, mustard and Saran wrap on vehicle in the 5100 block of Seger Avenue. (Sioux City, IA)

07/27/10 Department responded to a report of a car being covered in lunch meat, no vehicle damages, harassment report filed (Lake Heron, MN)

08/07/10 A car in the 2100 block of Downey Road was damaged between June 27 and 28 when eggs and bologna were smashed on it and a vulgar phrase was spray painted on the driver’s side doors. (Homewood, IL)

Since it’s costing him fifteen grand, hopefully the cops still let Mr. Boje chow down his lint-encrusted wiener on the way to the pokey.

Police say alleged hot dog thief had numerous chances to pay

Des Moines police say they gave Zachary Boje numerous chances to pay for the hot dog that he allegedly stuffed in his pants pocket at the QuikTrip store at 1215 Sixth Ave.

Boje, 23, is being held in the Polk County Jail this morning on charges of assault causing injury, resisting arrest and fifth-degree theft. He also is held on warrants for child support violations. Bond is set at $15,000.

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“He acted like he was going to the counter,” Trimble said. “He asked for a pack of cigarettes and a cigar. Then he asked for a bun. Then he didn’t want to pay for anything.”

“He’d already put his bare hand on the hot dog,” the officer said. “I gave him numerous chances to pay for the hot dog.”

05/24/10 Burglars broke into the Subway restaurant at 2251 E. University Ave. in Des Moines over the weekend and took several pounds of food, but no money. The burglars took 6 pounds of ham, 4 pounds of turkey, 8 pounds of roast beef, 10 pounds of cold cuts, 12 pounds of cheese, a case of beverages, 96 cookies and four to six loaves of bread, detectives said Monday. The burglars also made some sandwiches for themselves before they left. Officers have no suspects. (Des Moines, IA) 

05/22/10 Stolen items: Two Hamburger Helper packages, six Oodles of Noodles packages, two Vienna Sausages packages. Details: The store clerk, Tammy Peace, notified police after a man stole food items from the store, according to a Shelby Police report. The clerk told officers that the suspect was concealing items. Peace asked the suspect if he was going to pay for the items and he said no and left, according to the report. (Shelby, NC)

02/09/10 1:50 p.m. — A male juvenile was caught stealing beef jerky from the Dollar Tree. He was referred to the juvenile department on a charge of theft in the third degree. (Ashland, OR)

02/05/10 A South Arlington Road woman reported Feb. 5 she gave $32 to a salesman from Midwest Steak Co. for steaks, and the man left with the money and the steaks. (Springfield, OH)

02/05/10 Police arrested a 43-year-old West Des Moines man and a 44-year-old Adel man for disorderly conduct at Johnny’s Italian Steakhouse. The two men began arguing after the Adel man complained to a server about the cut of his steak. The West Des Moines man then allegedly began making rude remarks and the two began pushing each other, ultimately ending up fighting on the floor of the restaurant. (West Des Moines, IA)

01/26/10 Terence Greg-Tyrish Henderson, 18, of 435 S. Hycliff Dr., Apt. 604C, was charged by Watertown police at 12:13 a.m. Tuesday at his residence with petit larceny.

Police said he admitted to stealing a package of Spicy Chicken Wings valued at $3.99 from Sugar Creek, 1279 Coffeen St., at about 11:42 p.m. Jan. 25.

He is summoned to appear Feb. 16 in City Court. (Watertown, NY)

01/13/10 A woman from the 18000 block of Cruzon Grade Road reported someone had tried to pry open a Conex box. She also found a generator door open and the keys to her Toyota 4Runner were missing. She said last month someone stole bacon and whipping cream from an outdoor cooler. She was concerned there was a prowler in the neighborhood. (Nevada City, CA)

01/10/10 A Gastonia man is accused of trying to take pork chops and liver mush without paying for them local grocery store.

According to a citation, Randy Lee McAbee, 50, of 2017 Willimax Ave., Gastonia, concealed a pack of pork chops and a pack of liver mush valued at $17 at the Food Lion on Garrison Boulevard in Gastonia on Jan. 8.

Gastonia Officer D.P. Meck also cited McAbee for being drunk and disruptive and threatening the officer, according to the citation.
(Gastonia, NC)

12/31/09 3900 block of East 23rd Street, Dec. 31 - A man allegedly struck his former girlfriend because she left chicken wings on his counter. (Des Moines, IA)

01/07/10 Maryland Natural Resources Police charged a Dorchester County seafood dealer with possession of undersize oysters.

On Jan. 7, NRP inspected a seafood truck in Wingate Marina, and a random sample of the cargo revealed 9 percent undersize oysters.

Police charged Adrien Leo Hansen, 74, of Cambridge with possession of undersize oysters. Hansen is the owner of Hansen Seafood and was buying oysters from the commercial waterman.

He was fined $155 and is set to appear Feb. 17 in Maryland District Court in Cambridge. (Cambridge, MD)

11/19/09 An arrest warrant has been issued by the Jasper County Sheriff’s Office (JCSO) for Joshua Allen Barrett of Decatur, for the burglary of a residence on Bailey Road on October 13, which was reported to be the home of his mother and stepfather.

According to the report filed in Magistrate Court, meat was taken from the refrigerator and freezer and was cooked and eaten during the burglary, after which the accused allegedly made off with a 42 inch flat screen TV, several DVD players and recorders, various movie titles on DVD, a Sony DVD recorder and other electronic items. There was also a photo printer and a fax machine taken.

There was a blue mud flap found near a gate to the property which proved to be missing from Mr. Barrett’s blue Malibu Sedan. Pawn shop records also reported that Mr. Barrett had pawned several items on the date of the burglary. (Monticello, GA)

11/05/09 Lifted package of meat results in summons. On Nov. 5 a Jefferson County deputy responded to a shoplifting incident at King Soopers in Evergreen, 1173 Bergen Parkway. A man was observed shopping who put a package of meat in his pocket. When confronted he tried to avoid the deputy and said, “Don’t touch me.” He was told he would be charged and was issued a summons for theft. He said, “Really, a warrant for $2.99? Come on.” He was informed of his court date. (Evergreen, CO)

10/30/09 Retail theft of a soda and chicken tenders was reported at Wal-Mart. (Bartow, FL)

10/26/09 Officials say a cotton glove found in a meat grinder at a Des Moines meatpacking plant stopped production and led to an inspection of about 40,000 pounds of meat.

Police have no motive for last Thursday’s incident at Swan Packing Inc. But the plant’s general manager, Jerry Rowles, blames a disgruntled employee who police have yet to identify.

The glove was discovered when a worker disassembled a grinder for maintenance. Most of the glove was intact, but pieces were missing.

An inspection to find every thread took 12 hours and required 45 employees to pick through the meat with their fingers.

It was the third time in a year that a loose glove threatened production at the plant. (Des Moines, IA)

The lovely gentlemen who run The Found Footage Festival recount their near brush with Meat Crime.