In a way, you do have to admire the criminal efficiency of cutting out the KFC middle man.

Man Arrested In Attack Over Fried Chicken

A Bloomington man was attacked and knocked to the ground by a man who wanted to steal his bucket of fried chicken, police said.

A 22-year-old man was walking home in the 500 block of South Park Ridge Road just before 1 a.m. Wednesday when he was confronted, police said. Sean M. Nelson, 24, demanded the man give him his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and began slapping and punching him when he refused.

Well, so much for that Meat Crimes community outreach program…

After Breaking Into Apartment, Man Folds Laundry and Cooks Chicken

Police entered the apartment to find a pot of chicken and onions cooking on the stove. The woman who lives there said, “It smelled good, it had the broth and everything, but we just threw it in the trash can”.

However, [Keith] Davis did not stop with dinner, the man also folded the woman’s laundry, placed it neatly on her dining room table and vacuumed the floors. “He drank all my orange juice, but it’s cool because he folded my clothes and swept my floors,” says the woman.

It is official. There is no better citation on the books than “violation of insecure and leaky load.”

Anyway, sorry Indianapolis, Columbus and Bloomington, you’ll just have to wait for the next rig full of warm, oozing meat to head your way.

Truck Driver Cited for Hauling Dripping, Unrefrigerated Meat

A truck driver has been cited after thousands of pounds of raw meat were found unrefrigerated in the back of his rig, police said.
…
Police said the temperature inside the trailer was 69.5 degrees, causing frozen chicken and beef to thaw and drip blood and juices onto the floor.
…
Zhang was cited for a federal motor carrier violation of insecure and leaky load and was given a warning for speeding.

This certainly warrants a follow up story. C’mon, they just leave you hanging on whether the guy actually got his dogs or not.

Man Crashes Into Drive-In Spilling 100 Lbs of Hot Grease on Worker, Still Tries Ordering Hot Dogs

The truck collided with a moped, sending it under a sport-utility vehicle. The pickup crashed through a brick wall into an area with deep fryers, knocking about 100 pounds of hot grease onto an employee who suffered first- and second-degree burns.

Business owner Dennis Rupert said Webb got out of his truck after the crash and tried to order some hot dogs.

(Photo: rob_rob2001 via Flickr)

Now that we’ve watched 2010 careen over the horizon on a bicycle with five pounds of ribeye down its slacks, it’s time for you to vote on Meat Criminal of the Year!

While the below are our top five picks, if you don’t see your preferred dirtbag, we’re open to write-ins. Shockingly, the list is not totally dominated by the denizens of Florida, but with two entries, the state is finely represented. The list is, however, chock full of dudes. Ladies, let’s step it up for 2011!

OUR CONTESTANTS

  OHIO Man Arrested After Attacking ATM, Stealing Meat, Orange Flavored Mad Dog and CO2 Tank

  FLORIDA Elderly Man Shoplifts 100 Pounds of Clams After Blowing Social Security on Tattoo

  FLORIDA One-Eyed Meat Thief on Motorized Scooter will F*ck You Up!

  MISSOURI Charges Filed Against Lawnmower Riding, Hot Dog Eating Man On Epic Crime Spree

  INDIANA Man Goes on Supermarket Meat Rampage, Wants to Save Young Girls from Beef

  GEORGIA Meat Crime Blotter - Special “Why Can’t a Sex Offender Eat Hot Dogs Behind a Day Care Center’s Dumpster in Peace?” Edition

_______________________

AND FINALLY, since no Meat Criminal was identified, our hands-down favorite story of the year could not be included in the vote. But we thank you, Oklahoma, for your tidy stack of wild boars in a Carl’s Jr. drive-thru.

We look forward to bringing many thrilling new Meat Crimes to your attention in the New Year!

(“Grand Prix Moose” photo by Frank Trana)

07/11/10 A dispute over the ownership of a frying pan Friday night led to third-degree burns for one South Bend man and 11 stitches for another, police reports said.

A 49-year-old man was cooking bacon on the stove at a house in the 600 block of Lincoln Way East when his 47-year-old brother-in-law claimed the pan was his, the report said. The argument led to the man cooking cornering the younger man into a closet and spilling hot grease on the younger man. The report said the 47-year-old then grabbed the pan from his attacker and hit him in the head twice.

The 49-year-old was taken to an area hospital were he received 11 stitches before being arrested for assault, the report said. But the man who received third-degree burns on his hands told police he did not wish to press charges.

Police did report finding two pieces of bacon in the closet. (South Bend, IN)

06/30/10 A caller in the 200 block of W. Winona Street said she was doing yard work when she found some bones, and she said did not know whether they were human bones. An officer checked and determined that they were chicken bones, cow rib bones and other animal bones. (St. Paul, MN)

Bet his grandma will think twice next time she wants to cook a pot roast. A pot roast much like the one that reporter is holding in the parking lot for some reason.

(Note - 15 second commercial pre-roll before news segment)

03/15/10 Suspicious person/circumstances. Reported at 5:49 p.m. 31900 block of Paseo de Tania. A resident said a bone was thrown into his yard. He didn’t know whether it was from an animal or a human. Police later determined it was from a pork chop. (San Juan Capistrano, CA)

03/11/10 Someone stole a woman’s purse from a shopping cart at an area store and replaced it with meat. According to a report taken by the La Porte Police Department, a 28-year-old female said she was shopping Tuesday at a store in the 300 block of Boyd Boulevard between 12:30 and 1:10 p.m.

When she arrived at the checkout counter, she noticed her purse was missing. In its place was a piece of meat, the woman reported to police. (La Porte, IN)

03/03/10 Two people were charged with shoplifting just after midnight from a supermarket in Wrights Corners. A clerk told sheriff deputies that two women tried buy Kool-Aid and became angry when their benefit card was declined and threw the packets at the clerk. They returned to the store and were later found in their vehicle on Lockport-Olcott Road with frozen chicken nuggets, gel pens and whipped cream from the store. They admitted that they had not paid for the items, deputies said. An open box of chocolates from a store shelf also matched what was in one of the suspect’s purses. Charged were Samantha B. Jennings, 19, of Williams Street, Middleport, and Christina M. Sims, 20, of Jackson Street, Olcott. (Wrights Corners, NY)

02/23/10 Two people were stopped for trying to leave a business on the first block of North Fourth Street with Mountain Dew, beef jerky and strawberry milk between 3:20 and 3:26 p.m. Friday. (Newark, OH)

02/22/10 A 17-year-old boy ordered, but failed to pay for, a pound of cooked chicken fingers Friday night from Valley Farm Market on Stefko Boulevard and allegedly stuffed bottles of Vitamin Water down his pants. The boy was charged with theft and false identification to law enforcement. (Bethlehem, PA)

02/17/10 Two people were arrested for public intoxication after allegedly trying to leave Quaker Steak and Lube without paying their bill. Manager Larry Pettis told police he had to chase Bradley Chitwood, 38, of Stockton, Calif., and Pamela Matuszak, 48, of Lake Station, around the restaurant and block the exits to keep them from leaving the restaurant, at 6245 Ameriplex Drive, around 6:40 p.m. Monday.

Chitwood eventually paid for the pair’s food and alcohol. (Portage, IN)

01/24/10 Local attorney charged with shoplifting. Police in New Hartford issued an appearance ticket on Friday on charges that he shoplifted an assortment of grocery items from Hannaford Supermarket on Commercial Drive in the village.

Robert Barry, 52, of Blackburn Court, who has been involved in a cloud of legal difficulties and political controversies, was charged with Petit Larceny after police say he concealed a number of items in a grocery bag, including steak and beer, and left the store without attempting to pay.

In October, the State Appellate Division charged Barry with malpractice and stripped him of his right to practice law.  The state charged professional misconduct including misappropriation of client funds and misrepresenting clients.

Recently, Barry was caught up in a scandal involving a letter leaked to the media that was sent to a County Legislator which resulted in an indictment in front of an Oneida County Grand Jury on charges of harassment.

Barry could not be reached for comment. (New Hartford, NY)

01/20/10 A man drank two beers and ate a 9-ounce steak totaling $36.06 at a restaurant in the 1300 block of West Linton Boulevard and left without paying. He was stopped outside by a police officer and arrested. At that time he had $1.80 in his pockets. (Delray Beach, FL)

01/20/10 A jury finds a Terre Haute man guilty; in less than 5 minutes.

The trial of Michael Branch wrapped up Wednesday, without Branch in attendance.

For the second time, Branch claimed he was having a heart attack while in court.

Detectives tell us he was taken to the hospital as they continued court proceedings.

In just three minutes the jury found Branch guilty of theft.

In July, police arrested branch for stealing more than one thousand dollars of meat, chicken and beer from the Terre Haute Wal-Mart.

Police say Branch has been arrested several times before for theft and drug possession. (Terre Haute, IN)

01/12/10 Report of very aggressive peddlers selling meat door to door in the Park/Crinella area. Police checked the area. (St. Helena, CA)