09/13/11 A woman called police at 10:02 a.m. Monday to report someone left chicken parts and mustard all over her front lawn on the 900 block of Lavender Court. She said last month someone left pigs feet on her front path. (Tracy, CA)

08/13/11 A woman watching her daughter’s house on South Stone Avenue while the daughter was away reported that someone left a store-bought chicken on the front doorstep. (La Grange, IL)

Well, this is certainly a new twist on the old “meat down the trousers” bit. And it’s also an important lesson as to why you should probably not take a CPR class at a crack house.

Heroin Dealer Who Put Frozen Meat in Pants of Victim Sentence to Life

An East St. Louis drug dealer accused of placing frozen meat in the pants of an overdose victim instead of calling for an ambulance was sentenced to life in prison yesterday.
…
Witnesses testified that Doyle had refused to allow anyone at his residence to call 9-1-1 when Ward collapsed. Instead, Doyle attempted (unsuccessfully) to revive Ward by placing frozen meat in Ward’s pants. Doyle then insisted for several hours that Ward “just needed to sleep it off.”

07/11/11 Someone put a hot dog in a bun with mustard on the doorstep and poured mustard on the door of a residence at the 0-100 block of Dover sometime around 11:23 p.m. on July 11. The resident reported no permanent damage at the time of the report. (LaGrange, IL)

07/25/11 A Hermiston man, in what appeared to be an attempt to win his girlfriend back, left boxes of meat as gifts in the woman’s parking lot. The woman reported to police she did not want the “gifts” and would like the man to come get the meat boxes. (Hermiston, OR)

Hey, jerky ain’t cheap. Can’t blame a lady for wanting to ensure premium deliciosity before purchase.

A 50-year-old Grayslake woman is facing charges after police say she bit into several packages of beef jerky – through the plastic – and put the packages back on the shelf of a Dollar General store.
…
(Sgt.) Heimos said a reason for the alleged jerky-biting is unknown.

(Photo: MRaichelson via Flickr)

12/11/10 A Springfield man has apparently learned that it’s not a great idea to throw a half-eaten cheeseburger into someone’s face — especially if that someone is a police officer who is pursuing you. 

Police told the (Springfield) State Journal-Register that 35-year-old Lamont Norwood is now facing drug dealing and other charges. They also said Norwood also was stunned with a Taser for allegedly running from and fighting with police. 

Police said an officer pulled over a car Norwood was driving early Thursday morning and found a bottle of alcohol and a digital scale in the back. When the officer asked what the scale was for, Norwood reportedly ran and threw a cheeseburger he had been eating into the officer’s face. (Springfield, IL)

12/08/10 A husband attacked his wife with a frozen ham on Thanksgiving Day, police sources said.

Thomas McClean, 28, was arguing with his wife at their Hollis home on Thanksgiving and when things heated up, McClean slugged her with the ham and punched her, the sources said.

McClean then allegedly struck a police officer while he was being arrested and slugged a second cop. McClean was charged with assault, obstructing governmental administration, resisting arrest, multiple counts of assault on a police officer and attempted assault. (Hollis, NY)

09/10/10 A person reported Saturday in the 0-100 block of Woodside Avenue in rural Kankakee that his driver’s side door was keyed, two front seats were cut from the headrest to the bucket seats, the dashboard was pulled off and either powder or baking soda was spread around the interior, according to Kankakee County sheriff’s reports. A dead opossum and a cheeseburger also were left on the seats. (Kankakee, IL)

09/17/10 Two adult sisters were arrested for shoplifting at Kmart, 6050 U.S. 6, as they left the store after hiding panty hose, an energy drink and frozen chicken, among other items, in a purse. Mandie Gibbs, 30, said she told Erica Castilleja, 26, both of Salt Creek Commons, that it was a bad idea, but she admitted she went along with it anyway.

Both are charged with felony theft and were banned from all Kmart stores.

Castilleja brought a 2-year-old boy she was baby-sitting to the store. He was released to his mother. (Portage, IL)

09/23/10 A man told police that his ex-girlfriend threw frozen meat through one of his windows and broke it at 3:03 p.m. Saturday. (Lakewood, OH)

09/27/10 Bologna Attack: A 47-year-old woman living in the 3800 block of Grassmore Road in Naperville, reported on Sept. 27 that raw eggs and bologna were thrown earlier in the week onto her bedroom window and the hood of her car. She said she believed the attack occurred between 11:30 a.m. Sept. 25 and 7:30 a.m. Sept. 26. (Naperville, IL)

09/30/10 At 7:15 p.m. Saturday, police responded to a report of a man who was acting and walking like a zombie and scaring patrons of the Red Rooster Chicken and Deli. The man was detained and removed from the scene. (Lakewood, OH)

08/01/10 10:32 a.m. Sunday, unknown subject egged, then put bologna, mustard and Saran wrap on vehicle in the 5100 block of Seger Avenue. (Sioux City, IA)

07/27/10 Department responded to a report of a car being covered in lunch meat, no vehicle damages, harassment report filed (Lake Heron, MN)

08/07/10 A car in the 2100 block of Downey Road was damaged between June 27 and 28 when eggs and bologna were smashed on it and a vulgar phrase was spray painted on the driver’s side doors. (Homewood, IL)

“Nick Lusk thought the night cleaning crew had done a bad job.

Food was all over the floor. Half-eaten sandwiches and bottles of alcohol were strewn throughout Kritter’z, a Rantoul tavern.

Then he walked behind the bar.

There lay a man, a big man, flat on his stomach.”

Related: If only perp Diego F. Ballesteros had taken tips from this guy who managed to drunkenly break into a bar and cook chicken proper.

Above: Nick Lusk, an employee of the tragically named bar Kritter’z, stands next to where he found the great big drunk guy.